Not So Truly Yours, Anonymous
by Elenea
Summary: What happens to our poor protagonist Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood when he gets an anonymous hate letter? Please Read and Review!
1. The letter

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Well, I own a couple of things. Like my fuzzy pencil. I like my fuzzy pencil. And some other stuff to. But not Lord of the Rings. But I'm guessing you knew that.  
  


Anywho........sit down, relax, read my fic and then R&R! Thanks!  
  


Deep in the dark forest of Mirkwood...(which is very dark I am told. Terrible place to go especially if you a) like the sun or b) hate trees)...sat a lonely dark object. Off in the distance you could hear the occasional scurry of a furry woodland creature...or something else. 

Suddenly through the trees came a glow of light. A few birds of prey took to the sky as they became temporarily blinded by the radiant glow. A sound grew closer. It was the sound of crunching leaves, and it could be heard more and more clearly with every second. The glow, also, was becoming brighter and brighter until something emerged from trees.

This thing was none other than the elf prince, Legolas. His hair shone a brilliant gold after many hours spent on shampooing, conditioning, cutting, blow drying, gelling, curling, straightening, more gelling and hair spraying. Not to mention brushing. He walked over toward the object (which was no longer dark because of his hair) and turned it on. It was a computer.

"You've got mail!" It chirped happily.

"Shut up," Legolas complained. He always had mail. The all-to-happy voice of the computer was beginning to grate on the elf prince's nerves. Legolas opened his inbox. Junk mail. All of it. Most of the 1,064 new emails were from a girl named Cindy. All said the same thing inside.

" Legolas I love you

We'd be quite a pair.

Please oh please come marry me,

Love Cindy Ellenshare."

Once she had even sent her picture with it. She was a skinny girl with big, round, glasses, straight (and unevenly cut) black hair up in two ponytails at the top of her head, and a huge nose. Works of all, in the picture she was wearing hot pink stripes with muted purple plaids. 

Legolas shuddered at the thought. Unfortunately for him, he had a very overactive imagination. He could picture himself in a beautiful elven church, surrounded by friends and family, standing next to the girl from the picture, Cindy, with her singing the poem the way you would expect a turkey, who had just been run over by about six cars, to sing. It was terrible.

Only one email remained after he had deleted all of Cindy's . It had no hearts, no flowers and no 'I LOVE YOU!'s on it. All it said at the top was...

"I can see you, but you can't see me"

...in a very mysterious and evil way. Legolas was confused but scrolled down more.

"Yeah that's right. I can see you"

It read. Legolas instinctively drew his bow. Nothing happened, though, so he put it back and scrolled down more until he hit a very large paragraph.

"Yeah that's right you pansy mommy's boy, (or should I say girl!) tree hugger! I can see you prancing through your endless fields of flowers, brushing your beautiful long locks and playing jump rope! You're a sad excuse for a prince! You're more like a princess! Sure you've got you bow and arrows, but I'll bet you'd trade 'em in for a bow and hair clips! You're pathetic! I bet you couldn't even act manly for a day if you tried!

Yours Not So Truly,

Anonymous"   
  


Legolas was devastated. He had gotten a hate letter! Who would do this to him? He- he- he was supposed to be loved by everyone! He got 1000 love letters per day! But a hate letter?

His lower lip began to tremble and he put on his puppy dog face. Then he suddenly completely changed his attitude and shouted into the trees "Fine! You're on! I'll win this little bet of yours! I never lose!"

"You've got mail," chirped the computer.

"Huh? Oh....." Legolas said as he was broken from his determined mood. He opened his newest email. It read...

"Bring it on Elf boy".  
  
  
  



	2. The chopping of the hair and other stuff

Disclaimer: As you know I own little more than my fuzzy pen and I don't own Lord of the Rings or Robin Hood: Men in Tights. And the story continues.........

Legolas Greenleaf stood in front of a mirror. His reflection gazed fearfully back at him. In one hand he held his long, beautiful, blonde hair, and in the other he held a pair of scissors.

With one last glance at his reflection he cut off some of his hair. Snip...snip...snip. His hair went from his back, to his shoulders, to about his ears. He opened his eyes, looked in the mirror and shuddered. At least his hair would grow back. He had all of eternity for it to grow back. Luckily for him, his hair grew rapidly for an elf and he would have it all back within 2 years.

Legolas picked up a half-full bottle of gel and dumped some on his head.

Darn! Too much! He thought to himself as it dripped down his neck and face. I must remember that my hair is short. He looked in the mirror...again. His reflection reminded him of his friend, Aragorn. That man has no personal hygiene skills! He thought as he watched the gel drip slowly down his face. 

He quickly brushed his hair and washed his face. Within 2 minutes his hair had become a solid, spikey rock. Legolas was beginning to think that maybe today wouldn't be so bad after all.

He went to his closet and pulled out the new clothes that he had bought the previous day after receiving that awful email. He replaced his usual elvish clothing with pants the were about 6 sizes too big, skate boarding shoes, boxers, a shirt with foul words on it, a big baggy sweatshirt that covered the foul-languaged shirt (thank goodness!), sunglasses and a baseball cap that he was supposed to wear backwards.

After putting the new clothing on, Legolas threw his tights in a corner, his tunic in another, and other various green articles of clothing on to a pile of clean laundry. He preceded to kick over the clean laundry right on top of his favorite CD, "Robin Hood: Men In Tights".

Suddenly, Legolas's father ran into the room.

"What are you doing in here? I heard aloud noise all the way from my bedchamber," The King of Mirkwood looked around the room. "What happened in here? You're-you're room! It-it-it is m-messy!" He proceeded to faint.

When the king woke up Legolas greeted him with a friendly, "Sup, old man?"

The King was stunned. Old man? 

"Legolas? Are you feeling okay?" He began.

"Yeah, whatever," Legolas flopped down on his bed.

"You know elves are immortal, right?" He continued cautiously.

"Duh," Legolas replied putting on headphones and heavy metal music.

"Well, it's the whole 'old man' comment,"Thranduil paused, but Legolas only ignored him so he continued. "I know I'm 17,072 but for an elf that's barely middle age! You're 6,049 already. To some people's standards you would be the old man!" He laughed for comic relief, but Legolas was still listening to his music.

It was strange. Legolas has never acted like this before. "Is there anything you want to talk about, Legolas?" The king asked. Legolas ignored him. Thranduil got up and took the headphones off of Legolas's head.

"Dude! Leave me alone! No one understands me!" Legolas shouted stalking out of the room.

The elf king sighed. I'd better send a letter to Lothlorien. He thought.  
  


* * *  
  
  
  


Legolas was beaming. He really felt like a ... what was the that word? ... teenager! He almost felt like skipping but stopped himself. He changed his smile to a grimace and stalked into the kitchen.

"Yo! What up?" He said to the royal cook as he took a plate of food out of his hands. "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, man!" Legolas shouted as he left.

Oh to be young and 6000 again! The cook sighed as he prepared breakfast...again.

Legolas slouched down in the closest chair and began shoveling food into his mouth. He burped loudly when he was done. His dirty dishes were left on the table.

Legolas stood up. This type of life was very interesting. I was so different from what he was used to.

Suddenly his ultra super hearing picked up a noise. Over in a corner he saw a lembas crumb lying on the floor. Strange. He thought. Oh well, He concluded with one last glance. Time to check my email.

Legolas went back to the middle of the forest and booted up his computer. 

"One new email," It said happily.

"Shut up," Legolas said clicking on his inbox. He clicked on an email.

So far so good elf boy, It read, but you still have the rest of the day left! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

"What a strange person," Legolas murmured.

He stood up from his tree stump and looked up into the sky. It was barely visible though the trees. Which meant that it was an unusually bright day in Mirkwood, or that Legolas had once again used too much hair gel. Or both.

Off in the distance Legolas could hear rattling in the trees, the wind in the leaves, and ... what sounded like typing on a keyboard. Legolas listened closer, but it had stopped.

Time to put away the computer, Legolas thought. He turned around and walked back toward the computer. Suddenly, something dropped out of the sky in front of him. He drew he bow quickly, and the thing slowly got up.  



	3. Could this get any worse? Maybe

Disclaimer & A/N: I own my fuzzy pencil and little beyond that. I'll assume that you know that I do not own Lord of the Rings. Thank you to The Legolas Assassinator for the corrections! I corrected the kings name but I'm too lazy to correct Legolas's age. Thank you to everyone else for reviewing! 

"Haldir?" Legolas asked disbelievingly.

"I need to work on my landing a bit don't I?" Haldir asked, pausing for laughter which he did not receive. "I just flew in from Lothlorien," He continued unfazed. "Literally. They've made a super powered catapult. I was, heh heh, the guinea pig.

"You're father sent for me," he added to the stunned elf prince. "Said you were having some 'troubles'. Identity crisis or something. Oh to be 6,000 again! I remember it well! Kind of... Anyhow when I was 6,000..."

"Dude! Like get off my back, man! No one understands me!" Legolas shouted passionately before he stalked off into the woods.

"You have one new email!" Exclaimed the computer. Haldir opened it without any second thoughts. 

"Dude! Ever heard of tact?" It read.

Hmmmm...thought Haldir taking out a to-do list. 1) Buy a dictionary 2) Find tact 3) Use tact. He put it in his back pocket and skipped off in the direction that Legolas had been stalking.  
  


* * *  
  


Legolas wandered back toward the castle. He couldn't blame his father for wanting to help; he was acting rather strange...but Haldir? Why not Glorfindel, or...or Celeborn, ...even Elrond! But Haldir? Legolas sighed. He figured Haldir would be following him by now. Legolas doubled back toward his computer. If he could stay in the shadows, with his baseball cap on, everything would be fine.

Legolas had always assumed that Haldir had spent a little bit too much time with hobbits and men and had learned about pints.

It turns out, though, that Haldir had fallen out of one too many trees when he was 5,000 and had never been quite the same since. 

Legolas laughed to himself. Haldir never would been able to pull that stunt on Gimli had he not tipped him off. Haldir couldn't actually hear a dwarf until it was doing the chicken dance on his head.

Those were the days, Legolas sighed wistfully, Out with the rest of the guys to get rid of the ring..., Legolas hid in the shadow of a tree as Haldir ambled past. But those days are gone, He thought sharply. "I've turned a new page! I'm a new man...er, elf!" Legolas declared out loud. He walked with a little extra spring back to his computer.

"You've got mail!" It prattled happily.

"Do you say anything else?" Legolas complained.

"You've - got - mail?" It asked tentatively.

Legolas rolled his eyes. Computers...he always got the ones who's circuits were a bit messed up.

He opened his newest email.

"Good enough so far," It read, "but you're still a pansy! I bet you won't even go on a date! Hey! That's not a bad idea! You have to go out on a date to prove you're manly!"

Legolas groaned. A date? Great. None of the elven girls liked the elven boys. Weddings had to be arranged at least 5,000 years in advance. The elven girls were gorgeous though... heck, the guys were, too. Sometimes it was hard to tell who was what.

Hobbits...too short...and hungry.

Dwarves...all the girls looked like the guys...the image of Gimli in a dress came into Legolas's head. He shuddered and began to feel violently ill.

Humans...Legolas thought for a moment. The only one who he knew well was Aragorn. Hygiene, or lack there of, popped into Legolas's mind. Ewww. But they couldn't be all bad he assumed. He hoped. He looked at the computer screen blankly. Two words popped out of him. Cindy Ellenshare. Legolas felt hopeless. Well, if she likes me that much, she'll do, Legolas sighed with resignation. He typed an email and quickly sent it.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	4. Cindy is revealed

Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings. Please tell me if you thought I did because you would be a very rare person. Thank you to everyone who replied! And thank you to the Elf of Sinnaron for the correction of the correction!

  
  


Cindy Ellenshare's inbox had just received an email.

A girl named Ankara Lira popped up the email. There had never been any incoming mail into this box before. She was puzzled.

As she read the email, she felt her stomach knot up. This wasn't supposed to happed! Why did he reply?

_I knew I never should have sent all those emails! I can't believe her thought they were real!_ She fretted.

Ankara was a very pretty elven girl with long brown hair and green eyes.She wore a dress of green velvet with golden trim. She lived in a small elven village right near Mirkwood. And for the last 6 months she had been sending incredibly annoying emails of love to the prince of Mirkwood under the name of Cindy Ellenshare.

And why? 'For my enjoyment and his annoyment,' she would respond when asked.

But he wasn't supposed to email back! And to ask for a date! _Maybe he knows! _She thought desperately. He hands felt clammy. She knew there was only one thing to do. With resignation she emailed him back. Then, she put on her cloak and headed to the deepest part of the forest.

* * *

Legolas had been waiting for 25 minutes in the area where Cindy had told him to meet her. Though he really wanted to do anything but be near Cindy he couldn't run now. He tried to hide his nervousness by (somehow) plugging in a playstation and playing whatever game he had bought the previous day.

* * *

The screen was the only source of light in the forest now. Legolas had his hat on, so his over-gelled hair did not emit its usual blinding light. Ankara had never traveled so deep into the forest, and so had gotten lost several times on her way.

As she, yet again, stumbled on a tree root in the path she caught sight of a flickering light. Hypnotized like a deer in headlights or a moth near a lightbulb, she walked toward it. It was blueish and with every step getting closer. Her thyought wandered and she pulled her cloak tighter around herself as she approached the source of the light. Suddenly her wandering thoughts were broken by a shout.

* * *

"Oh yeah! Fifth level, baby!" Legolas suddenly shouted. He did a short 'very manly' victory dance and then sat down to continue his game. As he sat down, though, his ultra sensitive elf ear picked up foot steps. Out of the corner of his eye he thought he saw something move. 

"Who's out there?" He called into trees.

Slowly someone in a cloak moved out of the shadows. 

"I think you know me as Cindy Ellenshare," was her reply.

  
  



	5. Anonymous emailer? I think not

Disclaimer: I still do not own Lord of the Rings and considering I am several billion times poorer than Bill Gates I do not expect to buy the rights to it from anyone any time soon. (If that is even possible)   
  


"Are you sure? I mean somehow you're no quite how I envisioned you," began the very confused elf prince.

"There has been a terrible mistake," Ankara-'Cindy'- began tentatively.

"Okay...," Legolas was utterly confused by now. "One question...dude," he began after a pause.

"Dude?" Cindy interrupted.

"...um...yeah! Dude!" Legolas continued boldly as Ankara began to doubt whether it was wise to come here or not. "Dude, can you, like, take off your cloak so I can see what you look like Legolas continued.

Ankara paused. She didn't want to actually she him what she looked like...she had sent him over 10,000 junk mails...but she figured it was her duty to reveal her identity.

Slowly she pulled her cloak's hood down. She could see the shock on the elf prince's face.

If there was anything Legolas had been expecting, it was not this. He was expecting a rather ugly, over obsessive human girl. Not a beautiful elven girl who seemed not to care about him. This-this-this was...Legolas had to sit down in shock.

"Look, I know I'm not what you're expecting..." Ankara began apologetically. Before she could finish her sentence, though, she noticed that Legolas was paying no attention to her. "You know...!" She began angrily, but before she could chew him out he held up a silencing finger.

The elf prince walked slowly toward some bushes and began searching through the bushes with his bow and arrow in his hand.

"What..." Ankara began again, putting her hands on her hips.

"I thought I heard something...like-like typing," Legolas explained shortly.

"You've got mail," The computer added.

"Turn that thing off, please," Legolas ordered as he drew his bow and pointed toward the bush.

Ankara flipped a switch and turned the computer off . It was one thing to annoy an elf prince from several miles away through email. It was another thing to annoy an elf prince standing right next to you with a drawn bow.

"Now, where were we?" Legolas put his bow and arrow down and sat on the closest tree stump.

"Well...I, uh....There's no easy way to say this," Ankara began tentatively.

"Alright...," Legolas was still very confused. "Just say it then, I guess."

"Can I be frank with you?"

"Yes..."

"And you won't shoot me?"

"What?"

"With your bow and arrow. You won't shoot me for telling you frankly?"

"No! I just might if you keep stalling though."

Ankara hesitated, "Alright. I hate you."

Legolas almost fell off of his tree stump. A stab of pain went through his heart and could be clearly seen on his face.

"Well, maybe...maybe not hate..." Ankara began reading his expression. "More of a 'want to annoy' than hate."

"Oh," Legolas was still feeling a little faint. "Did you send all of the anonymous emails then?"

"Anonymous? I wrote Cindy Ellenshare at the bottom of everyone!"

"Wha-what?" Legolas began intelligently. "You? Email? Over 10,000!" He continued.

"Yes. I wanted to annoy you. Will you ever forgive me?" Ankara smiled sweetly and batted her eyes. She could see Legolas thinking about it. It worked every time. 

"Hmmm...I will forgive you..."

"Ankara"

"...Ankara. But, on one condition. You must go out on a date with me, considering Cindy cannot."


	6. And the date begins

Disclaimer: I still don't own it........*sigh*

  
  


"What!?" Ankara shouted, "Of all the nerve! I can't believe you! You-you argh!" She continued. "You know," she added getting right up in Legolas's face, "I expected more from you! I should have know!" Her ranting continued for several more minutes.

"Um...," Legolas began tentatively after a bit.

"WHAT?!" Ankara exploded.

"Well.....I am the Prince of Mirkwood. I don't have to forgive you. Unless, of course, you want to go on that date...babe," Legolas grinned smugly.

Ankara was shocked. This was low...even for him. "You wouldn't...," she said in awe.

"Oh, yes, I would. A couple of years of Tom Bombadil's poetry...or a date," Legolas finished, sitting on a tree stump. He knew he had won. Tom Bombadil's poems were usually only used for the highest crimes. The mere mention of them, years of them, was enough to make a hobbit lose their appetite for hours.

Ankara stared blankly at the smug elf in front of her. She had wasted many minutes ranting because of him. Something in the back of her head told he to tell Legolas to find another smug, spoiled, prissy elf just like himself to date...but he was serious about the poetry.

"Fine. One date," she muttered.

"That's all I ask," Legolas smile a pearly white smile that was almost as blinding as his hair.

"Where...," Ankara began, shielding her eyes from the glow.

"You've got mail!" The computer interrupted.

"I thought you turned that thing off!" Legolas complained going over to it.

"I did! I shut it down when you were trying to shoot the bush!" Ankara said defensively.

Legolas muttered something in elvish, causing Ankara to gasp and hit him on the head. This was a mistake because she hit a hard spiky rock and cursed him many times more than he had originally. 

Eventually Legolas was able to open his newest email. It read...

"Alright pansy boy. You've got a date. Woo. Hoo. It seems to be going real well, too. Or NOT! You have just proved that opposites do not attract. I mean look at you two! Girl, boy. Brown hair, blonde hair. Elf peasant, Elf prince. Um....and other stuff. You know what! If you really want to know all the opposites figure 'em out yourself!

It ended abruptly there.

"Wow. Tough crowd," Ankara remarked after reading it over Legolas's shoulder.

"Yeah. This is why I have to go on a date."

"Make's Cindy's letters look pretty good, huh."

"Yup."

"So what are we doing for this date?" Ankara asked after a pause.

As if on cue, all of the trees around them were illuminated with lights.

"Strange...," Legolas began, seeing no electrical wiring. He started to walk closer to one of the trees for further inspection, but suddenly corny romance songs began to play and paralyzed him in his tracks.

Ankara turned around to walk toward the music, but was also paralyzed in her tracks.

"Legolas...you...you...come over here," she said, shocked.

Legolas turned around to go closer to her, but became too shocked to move...again.

In front of them there had suddenly appeared a small table set for two, complete with candles and a red checkered table cloth.

"How...," Ankara began.

"I have no clue," Legolas responded. 


	7. Romantic, kinda

Disclaimer: I own my fuzzy pencil and my notebook which I write this in. And I made Ankara. Everyone else belongs to J. R. R. Tolkien. But I'll hope you knew that. If you didn't, call me. I'll get you help.

  
  


"So what now?" Ankara asked.

"We eat, I guess," Legolas replied. After a skeptical look from Ankara he added, "Hey! It's the least we can do if some one took the time to set it up."

"Fine," Ankara replied sitting down to eat.

Legolas took his seat, also.

Dinner was filled with pleasant, and filled with idle conversation and a whole lot of nothing. Through out the duration Legolas was having an internal struggle.

"Look at her. She's beautiful," His heart told his head.

"She hates me," His head replied.

"No she doesn't. Look at how she looks at me," His heart would argue.

"She's only doing this because she doesn't like Tom Bombadil's poetry," His head would point out.

His internal struggle continued for several more minutes. Finally his heart decided to cut off all blood to his head, and his head decided to not tell the heart to pump anymore blood. Though it looked very odd to the outside observer, it was hardly life threatening for the elf prince because he was, after all, immortal.

"Legolas? Are you all right?" Ankara asked after Legolas did nothing but sit for 10 minutes. "Your hands feel cold," She said, picking up his hand, "are you alright?"

It was then that Legolas's head told his heart that maybe she did like him and a truce was called. With the blood flowing back through his body, he could respond.

"Huh?" Was his response.

Ankara did something that she hadn't done in years. She giggled. Not laughed, but giggled. "Do you know what's really annoying?" She asked after a pause.

"10,000 junk emails?" Legolas replied. 

"Besides that."

"No, what?"

"I'll show you," Ankara got up and stood near Legolas. She held up her index finger and kept it near him. "Not touching, not touching, not touching!" She repeated over and over.

"Yes...yes I see how that could get annoying," Legolas replied tensely.

"Yeah. It's fun though," Ankara sat back down.. "I want to start a business where perfectly content and happy people who feel they have everything in life sorted out, will come to me for a 5 or 10 minute block and I will just be able to sit there and try my best to confuse them.

"I see."

"I just thought of that."

"Sounds like....fun."

"And they could get refunds if they came out just as happy and content."

"You'd be rich."

"I know. Wouldn't it be fun?"

"Maybe for you. I doubt it would be for the once happy people, though."

"It might teach them something though. Who knows? I'd make them think."

"Yes. You would."

"Like the word lembas. It's a strange word. Lembas. Just say it a couple of times. Lembas. Lembas, lembas. Lembas."

"That....is....interesting," the elf prince responded sounding pained.

Suddenly the sappy music stopped. The mood lighting turned off and the table that they were sitting at rose up as if supported by cords. Their chairs tipped them out and then rose up, too.

"Well...," Legolas said standing up, "I guess this means the date is over."

Ankara brushed herself off. "Yeah, I guess so."

"Thanks for doing this for me...," Legolas continued.

"It was no problem. I hope those emails stop for you," Ankara smiled.

"Yeah...thanks," Legolas stumbled over his words. "Well, bye then," He ended pathetically.

"Bye. It was fun," Ankara smiled again.

They shook hands awkwardly and turned to go their separate ways.


	8. We'll find everything from pesky dwarves...

Disclaimer: I still don't own any of these characters. Except Ankara. Unfortunately I don't even own the stalker....but you'll have to wait until later to find out who that it!   
  


Ankara smiled as she walked back into the shadows. She had done what few before her had gotten the chance to do. She had annoyed Legolas in person. She, Ankara Lira, had the chance to annoy the Pansy Prince for a good hour in person. She could think of no one else who had gotten that honor.

Now the Cindy Ellenshare letters seemed like nothing. Besides, now he was getting stalked through hate mail bye some one. And he knew who Cindy really was. She could never go back to the sappy emails.

Ankara smiled wistfully. Dinner had been nice, and Legolas did seem to have some good qualities very very deep down....but she had a purpose and that was very important. Being immortal, she needed something to keep her going from day to day. And she could not abandon her purpose of annoyance. She stuck out her chin proudly and continued her walk home.

* * *

For several minutes after Ankara had left, Legolas was still in a daze. She's so gorgeous, Legolas thought to himself. He still was a bit shocked about the whole Cindy Ellenshare thing, but 5000 years could mend a lot. That's how long arranged marriages took at least. 

"You've got mail," the computer beeped. Legolas shook himself out of the daze and popped up the email. It read... 

"You're pathetic! You think that just because you've fallen head over heels for some girl that it means that she's fallen head for heels for you? Reality Check! She hates you! She said so herself! If she hadn't seen the wussy boy look on you're face she wouldn't have changed her frank answer! Just because your 'manly day' is almost over, don't think I won't be watching your every move! Ciao for now, fat cow!"

Legolas felt terrible. The anonymous emailer would still be stalking him, Ankara didn't like him, and worst of all he had just been called a fat cow.

He needed help. He needed...a detective! They could find out who this emailer was! Legolas sprinted back home.

Once arriving home he picked up a phone book and turned to the yellow pages. D...Detective...Detective Agency...Ah ha! The Lothlorien Detective Agency! (Got a problem we'll find everything from pesky dwarves to annoying squirrels.) Legolas dialed the number, hired a detective and then hung up.

I'll have a detective within an hour, he thought happily.

* 

One hour later, Legolas heard a knock at his door.

"Come in," he called.

A tall shadowy man, in a trench coat and cowboy hat, walked in. "You hired a detective?" he asked mysteriously.

"Yeah," Legolas replied.

"It will be a pleasure working for you Legolas Greenleaf. You have a so-called stalker?" the man asked again.

"Yeah," Legolas responded.

"Your case is as good as solved in my hands," the man replied, taking off his hat.

Legolas could only stare.  



	9. And the detective is Haldir?

Disclaimer: I still don't own it....After 8 other disclaimers I'd think you'd get the point...but you never know, so I am still writing these....  
  


"Haldir?" Legolas was shocked. He groaned and sat down on his bed.

"Yeah! Cool, isn't it! I took up being a detective as a part time job! I really like the trench coat and the whole 'mysterious guy' thing," Haldir replied proudly.

Legolas felt like he had just been hit by a sledge hammer. Thoughts of 'Why me?' ran through his head. What a day, he thought, First there's the anonymous emailer. Then there's the girl who hates me. And Haldir keeps showing up! Why me?

"...and then I said, 'But I really like the trench coat' and he said, 'Fine. You can have the job.' Isn't that cool?" Legolas hadn't even realized that Haldir had just kept talking through his train of thought, and Haldir hadn't even noticed that Legolas had ignored him while he was talking.

Legolas sat up. "Do you even know why you're here, Haldir?" he asked.

"Are you accusing me of having no idea of what I am doing?" Haldir replied, shocked. "Frankly, I'm shocked by your....er....frankness." 

"Do you?" Legolas pressed on.

"Er...the boss mentioned something, but, heh heh, I guess I'm having a 'blonde moment'. Or is it a 'senior moment'? You know, I'm 14,682 already! I know I knew it a minute ago..." Haldir continued.

"So you knew that I have a stalker?" Legolas prompted.

"Really? A stalker? Is it a girl? Does she have a sister?" Haldir began enthusiastically.

"That's what you have to find out," Legolas sighed.

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"So that's why I'm here?" 

"Yup." 

"Oh," There was a moment of silence before Haldir spoke again. "That could be a problem, you know. My hearing isn't what it used to be. Neither is my sight."

"I know."

"Oh," Haldir paused. "So what do I do?"

"You'll be a good detective just like you signed up to do."

"Er...You know I'm only in it for the trench coat, right?"

"You told me."

"Ah. So...uh...when do I start?"

"Right now."

"Heh heh...I see. Did I tell you I have an orthodontist appointment right now?"

"You don't have braces."

"Optometrist?"

"You don't have glasses."

"Doctor?"

"Did I tell you I have a stalker?"

Haldir shifted uncomfortably. "Yeah...you mentioned it..."

"Good. You start now," Legolas said ushering Haldir out the door.

"Dentist?"

"Go!" 


	10. Ankara returns

Disclaimer: I still don't own it. I own Ankara though. And, of course, my fuzzy pencil. And the plot and all the little twists I plan to put it.

Author's Note: Yay!! The tenth chapter! Thank you to everyone who has reviewed! And to the people who haven't reviewed but have read the story! I hope you like it, but I don't know because you haven't reviewed. Congratulations to anyone who figured out that Ankara's name was a mixture of the capital of Turkey (Ankara) and the (former?) Italian currency (Lira). Her name was the product of Authors Block and an Almanac. The stalker should be revealed...oh....sometime around the 15th chapter...then I'll have to work on a new playoff plot. Any how....since it is the 10th chapter I felt it needed an Author's note. And now....THE STORY...

  
  
  
  


Haldir wandered aimlessly outside. "Stupid job...don't even like the trench coat that much," He muttered to himself.

He ambled deeper and deeper into the forest. Once in a while he'd stop to complain to a bush, tree or small, furry woodland creature. Then, he found some one while 'looking for clues'.

He had been ambling when he heard a voice. "Hello? Hey! You! You over there!," it was soft, melodious and sounded like it had come from at least a mile and a half away. Haldir turned to see where it had come from.

Standing five feet from him was a pretty elvish girl who look like she had just spent a lot of time shouting.

"Yes? Hello?" Haldir answered.

"Hi! I'm lost! Could you help me find my way home?" She looked like she was in pain.

"Are you in pain?" Haldir asked.

"Well, I'm shouting at the top of my lungs!" She said, which sounded very soft to Haldir.

"Where do you live?" Haldir asked, wondering how she could shout and be so quiet at the same time.

"I live at the Lira house, toward the edge of the forest!"

"Oh. I don't know if I can help you."

"Why not? You're a detective, aren't you? You've got the trench coat...the hat...!"

"I'm not very good....," The girl looked disappointed, "but I'll try," he added.

"Thank you!" The girl said softly, shouting.

"What is your name?" Haldir asked as they began to walk in a random direction.

"Ankara!"

"I'm Haldir."

"Nice to meet you!"

"You, too."

"Nice weather, isn't it!"

"Yes."

"They continued their idle chitchat as they walked through the forest. Suddenly, in the transition from 'Do you think we'll have a drought in 20 years?' to 'How man leaves do you think are in each tree?', Haldir tripped over apparently nothing. It looked like he had collided with something, and fallen over.

"Haldir! Are you okay?" Ankara asked quietly.

"Yes. I'm-," Haldir didn't finish his sentence. As he was sitting up, he hit his head on the closest tree and fell back onto a rock. The next think he saw was blackness.


	11. The New and Improved Haldir

Disclaimer: I own my fuzzy pencil...not Lord of the Rings, and thankfully not Barney.

  
  


"...didn't know what else to do. I'm glad you came," A voice said, and somewhere in the back of Haldir's mind, it registered.

"You did the right thing," Another voice assured the first voice. Something was very strange about these voices. They were...they were...

Haldir's mind struggled into semi-consciousness. The voices were loud! That's what was strange.

"How long has he been out?" The second voice asked.

"At least an hour," The first replied. "He hit his head pretty hard."

At these words, Haldir noticed a throbbing pain in his head. He also felt a sharp pain in his ankle. He tried to think of what had happened before the darkness, which was still with him now. He had tripped...somehow and...hit his head...many times. It hurt to think so he stopped.

"So...dark...," He croaked. 

"Haldir?" The first voice said.

"Open your eyes! Then it won't be dark!" The second voice added. 

Haldir slowly opened his eyes. It was still very dark. But, it was also, most likely, nighttime in Mirkwood. He could see two figures above him. One was the girl that he had tried to help earlier, Ankara, and the other was...

"Legolas?"

"Yeah. I came here after you knocked yourself out."

Haldir thought Legolas seemed to be speaking much louder than usual. And he seemed to be wearing a less fuzzy outfit. Little did Haldir know, the hits on the heat that would have been fatal to a mortal man, had corrected the years of damage the elf had done to his sight and hearing.

"Why...why are you...," Haldir paused, putting his hand on his head, "why are you speaking so loudly?"

Ankara frowned slightly and whispered something to Legolas. Somehow, Haldir understood every word she said perfectly. "What's up with this guy?" she had said, "He can't hear me when I'm shouting at the top of my lungs, but he heard us whispering."

"I resent that comment," Haldir said propping himself up.

Ankara looked at him strangely. Legolas pulled her a couple of feet away and whispered something back to her. Haldir, with his improved hearing, heard, "I don't understand. He had been so deaf before. You see, he had fallen out of one too may trees when he was 5,000...I don't know how he heard us at all..."

"I resent those comments, too!" Haldir called.

Legolas and Ankara looked up, shocked. They moved farther away and continued talking. 

"How did he hear us?"

"I don't know. Maybe the hits to the head did his hearing some good," Legolas paused and thought. He looked toward Haldir and whispered, "Haldir is a big, fat horse. Can you hear me now?"

"Those comments are also resented! And no need to shout!" Haldir responded.

Legolas looked at him like he was a big purple dinosaur named Barney. The look of shock and horror on their faces could only be described in such a way.

"Haldir," Legolas said, approaching the improved and slightly bruised elf, "I want you to go to Lothlorien and have them run sight and hearing tests on you. Wait...forget that...just have the doctors here check you out. You may prove to be a good detective after all."

Haldir stoop up. "I don't see why I should go, quite frankly," He began. "I haven't felt this good in 9,000 years!"

Legolas sighed. "Just go. If we find out how good your hearing and sight are, we can see if your detective skills are worth more than a trench coat."

"Will I get to keep it?"

"What?"

"The trench coat! If I'm worth more than it I want to make sure I'll be able to keep it!"

Legolas sighed again. "Yes. You can keep the trench coat." 

Haldir jumped up. "Yay!" He shouted as he began skipping off toward the Mirkwood Infirmary. 

Ankara watched and could only wonder what she had gotten herself into.  
  
  
  
  
  


  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	12. Sticks and stones may break my bones

Disclaimer: As you hopefully know...I don't own this...

  
  


"So what now?" Ankara asked.

"Er...," Legolas began, "I'm not sure."

Ankara rolled her eyes. "Make way for the brilliant leader," She shouted, exasperated, to a small, furry woodland creature as it scuttled away.

"Do you have a better idea?"

"Yeah. Find the way home for me."

"How can you get lost in the forest that you live in?"

"I live in the outskirts of the forest. You know, where there is sunlight, instead of over-gelled hair."

"Too bad they don't have anything to do in the 'outskirts'."

"What!?"

"Well, you spend all of your time emailing people junk mail."

"Oh yeah?! Well at least I get email that isn't 'fan mail'!"

"At least I have fans!"

"At least I don't have a stalker!"

At a lost of a retort, Legolas, very maturely, stuck out his tongue.

Ankara did the same. 

Then they glared at each other.

After that, Ankara walked away and sat behind one tree, while Legolas sat behind another.

From there, they decided to shoot nasty looks at each other, from where they sitting.

Luckily, before they had time to move onto throwing small sticks at each other, Haldir returned.

"Hi guys!" He called, excitedly. "Guess what! I got my test results back!"

Ankara and Legolas both shot him a quick nasty look, hoping he would shut up so they could throw sticks at each other. He didn't get the hint, even though now he could see it.

"The doctors told me I have 5/20 vision and I can hear .1 decibel loud things! Is that great or what!"

Legolas and Ankara weren't paying any attention. They had decided to throw sticks at each other anyway, and were both enjoying watching the other get whacked on the head by sticks.

"Okay! I'll just go...er...look for the stalker...or...something...," Haldir ended, sensing awkwardness.

"Fine," Legolas and Ankara called together. This made them even angrier at each other, and so they started throwing slightly larger sticks at each other.

"...yeah. I'm going now...," Haldir added, leaving.

"Fine." Ankara and Legolas said, again in unison. Now, since they were both in a little pain, they decided to throw insults.

"Ugly!"

"Stupid!"

"Brainless!"

"That means stupid, Stupid!"

"Oh yeah?! Cow!" 

"Cow!? Why I outta..." 

Haldir smiled as he walked away. Kids these days, he thought wistfully. Why, I remember when I was 5,012...   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	13. Typing bushes not George Dubya

Disclaimer: LotR = Not mine.

Authors note: Sorry.....I've been really busy....wanna see the reasons, look at my bio. I'll work on getting the chap.s longer later, but right now inspiration is low. Alright! R&R!

  
  
  
  


Half and hour and several miles later, Haldir could still hear them fighting. Of course, by then their insults had been diminished to 'Blanket face!' and 'Hobbit foot!'.

Haldir smiled to himself. The new and improved hearing was proving to be very useful... and entertaining. He chuckled to himself as Legolas called Ankara 'Dragon Cappuccino' and she called him a fairy.

"Might as well start looking for clues...," Haldir muttered to himself, taking out a magnifying glass that he really didn't need any more.

With the magnifying glass in hand, Haldir began to look for clues.

Since clues were not in abundance, Haldir began to make up his own theme song. "Do dah! Doo doo do dah! Dee dee doo do dah! Dah dah dee doo doo!"

Many small furry woodland creatures fled from around him as he continued to make up his theme song.

Then, he heard something that shocked him. Silence. No more random insults. Haldir shrugged and continued with his theme song.

After many minutes of a rapidly overdone theme song, Haldir heard something else. Typing. (And more silence from Ankara and Legolas.) The typing seemed to be coming from a bush. (i.e.-small shrubbery...not George Dubya.) 

"Bushes don't have fingers...or access to good computers...hmmm....This sounds like a job for....Detective Haldir!" Haldir announced, approaching the bush.

He could hear the typing grow louder and louder as he approached the bush. He slowly pushed back some branches, and poked his head into the bush. Inside he saw...nothing. Nothing but more branches.

Then out of the corner of he eye he saw, pushed toward the bottom of the bush, a computer. He picked it up, and looked at what was on the screen. He started to read a half done email which read...

"Hello Lego-lass. Hope you're having fun having sticks thrown at your head! Why did I not expect this would happen? Your manly day is over, but I'll keep watching you...forever. And what are you doing up this late? What is it? Like, 3 in the morning? Stupid elves...think they can stay up this late just because they're immortal. I..."

At that point Haldir was cut off from reading because the bush began shouting at him. "What are you doing?" It shouted. "Put that down! It's mine! Don't read it! I leave this thing alone for two minutes...why are you still here? Go!"

Haldir was speechless. At the 'Go!' he began to walk away slowly. Then a little faster. Then he turned and sprinted back to where Ankara and Legolas had been, screaming about possessed bushes the whole way.

When he returned to where they'd been, he saw no one. "Ankara? Legolas?" he called. No answer. "Legolas? Ankara?" he tried again. Nothing. 

He began to walk around, kicking plies of leaves and calling their homes. After kicking 7 piles, Haldir decided to kick an eighth. He found one and kicked it hard, hitting something hard and sending only a few leaves flying. He jumped around for a minute, holding his stubbed toe before getting ready to throw whatever rock he had kicked far far away. He looked down and saw Legolas, bound and gagged. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	14. Neatly Giftwrapped Elves

Disclaimer: Still not mine.

Yay! Got my inspiration back!! Next chapter......THE REVEALING OF THE STALKER!!! Then a whole new plot line emerges...

  
  


"Legolas?" Haldir asked intelligently.

Legolas muttered something muffled because of the gag in his mouth.

"I'm sorry, Legolas, but even with my," Haldir struck a pose, "new and improved hearing and sight, I can neither hear you or read your lips." Haldir smiled a pearly white smile that made the sun look dim.

Legolas shut his eyes and writhed in pain on the ground from the light.

"You know, you look just like a gift wrapped puppy all tied up like that!" Haldir smiled.

Legolas looked at him, pained, in confusion. He shouted a muffled something again.

"Nope still can't understand you," Haldir commented. Then he added to himself, "What would a real detective, like Sherlock Holmes, do if he found someone bound and gagged? Hmm...," He paused to think. "Maybe...I ...should...," Legolas looked at him pleadingly. "Should I ....untie you?"

Legolas' eyes brightened. This was faster than he expected. 5 minutes for Haldir to untie him. He had expected 3 days.

Haldir bent down to untie and de-gag Legolas. After a few seconds, Legolas was able to stand and speak again.

"Thanks Haldir...," Legolas began.

"No need for thanks, sir. Just doing my job," Haldir interrupted in a heavy accent. "Where's Ankara?" He added, looking around.

"Er...I don't know...I blacked out. All I remember is calling her some really stupid names, then seeing a floating cloth and floating rope coming toward me. Then...nothing...except you kicking me," Legolas explained.

"Where was she when you guys were throwing stuff at each other?"

"Behind that log," Legolas pointed to a log 20 feet away.

Haldir walked over to the log. He looked over to the other side and saw another gift-wrapped elf. He took a second to untie her, and she explained what happened to her. It was the same as what happened to Legolas, without the kicking.

"Hmm...and I found a half written hate letter in a typing and talking bush," Haldir added.

"What!?" Ankara and Legolas shouted together, soon after sending death glares to one another.

"Yup. The bush was typing and then when I read the email it yelled at me," Haldir explained as if it were as common as butter on bread.

"Where is this...typing...bush...," Legolas asked.

"Er...boys! Excuse me for interrupting your bush debate, but I still need to go home!" Ankara interrupted.

"Your house is three miles from here, North West," Haldir began. "Your mother just made warg salad for dinner and someone, a sister maybe, just gave your father a letter. You'll be home in half an hour and...oh...26 seconds," he continued.

Legolas and Ankara could only stare blankly. "Uh...thanks...Haldir...," Ankara ended in shock.

"No problem, ma'am. It was my pleasure," Haldir smiled tipping his hat.

And with that, Ankara turned to leave, once again.

"Glad she's gone," Legolas said once she was out of sight. "She is so...annoying! I bet her only purpose in like is to annoy me and everyone within 12 and a half feet!"

"Every elf need a purpose in life. Something to keep them going from day to day. A motivating factor. Without a purpose, immortality is meaningless," Haldir said, sounding very wise for once.

"Wow. That was deep."

"Yeah. It was on a bumper sticker I read once."

"Oh."

"On to find the talking bush?"

"Oh yeah. I'm so ready, man."

And with that the two set out into the dark forest.


	15. The unveiling of the stalker

Disclaimer: You know the drill...It's not mine...It's not yours....I don't have much of an idea who it actually belongs to besides J. R. R Tolkien.

Authors Note: Wow! 15 chapters! This is the end of one plot line and the beginning of another. Welcome to the twist *in this plot line* that I had planned from the beginning. This might seem jumpy right now....but bear in mind it is the emergence of a new plot line. Read and Enjoy.   
  


"Haldir...," Legolas whined, "I'm tired...we've been walking for, like, four hours! It must be 4:00 o'clock in the morning!"

"We've been walking for 48 minutes and 12 seconds. It's only 1:30." Haldir said, almost mechanically.

Legolas stared at him. The scatterbrained, ditzy Haldir he had once known had clearly cleared out. This new Haldir was so different. Too different. And not as much fun.

"Keep walking! We're almost there!" Haldir shouted, a good 100 feet in front of Legolas.

Legolas ran to catch up. "Haldir...can't we stop? Just for a minute? I..."

Haldir held up a silencing finger. "Quiet! We're here!" he hissed.

Legolas stopped. He didn't hear anything. He decided to tell Haldir. "I...don't...hear-," He was cut off again.

"Shhh! They're eating. Sounds like...lembas...from Lothlorien....it's a little stale....by 2 years....," Haldir told him.

Legolas only stared. He did he know all of this?

Haldir stared at the bush intently. He suddenly jumped up shouting, "The fatal mistake! They dropped a crumb!"

Legolas walked up slowly behind Haldir as he dove into the bush and began fighting with something. Legolas wandered closer as Haldir struggled on the ground with what looked like nothing. Legolas sighed. And a few minutes ago he thought Haldir was finally sane. Now he knew he had flipped.

"Haldir...," Legolas began, patronizingly, "What are you doing?"

"Help me! Grab his arm!"

"There's no one there."

"Help me!" 

Legolas sighted again and sat down next to Haldir. He reached into the nothingness, feeling rather stupid. But, instead of feeling just air he felt...something. He screamed and jumped up. 

"What is that?!" Legolas shouted. 

"Find the arm!" Haldir shouted.

Legolas grabbed at the nothingness until he felt an arm.

"Now find a hand!" Haldir called.

Legolas found the hand of nothingness. He grabbed it tightly because it was struggling. He felt something cold and metal, and as the hand tried to jerk away the cold, metal thing fell off. Then something amazing happened.

Before his eyes a midget with dark hair and large furry feet appeared in front of him. In his hand there was a ring.

"Hah! The perpetrator!" Haldir shouted triumphantly.

"Frodo?" Legolas was shocked. "You? You...emailer? But? Grey Havens! How? Why?"

"It was fun...The Grey Havens...weren't. You...so funny to watch...I was so fun....," Frodo muttered, never looking Legolas in the eye.

"How? Invisible?"

"Ring..."

"Where did Haldir go?"

Frodo looked up with a malicious glint in his eyes, "I don't know," he said quickly.

"Alright. If that's how you want to be, off to the dungeons with you!" Legolas declared, shocking himself by how much he sounded like his father.

He dragged Frodo off in the direction of Mirkwood Palace, leaving the small furry woodland creatures alone in the dark.


	16. Almost returned to normality

Disclaimer: It's still not mine. Gosh....some people must have really thick skulls not to understand that.......

Sorry this chapter is a bit....late...I have them written but not typed....and it's a bit of transition from one plot to another..so forgive me if it is choppy....alright..here it is.......

  
  


Three weeks later, things were almost back to normal for Legolas. The only things that were not as before were the small hobbit in the dungeon, the elf who caught the hobbit staying in Mirkwood Palace for a few months, and the elf prince's hair.

Ankara had stopped by the palace a few times, first to congratulate Frodo, then to talk to Legolas. Both Ankara and Legolas still had bruises from the stick fight, so sometimes their conversations were strained. But, now Ankara didn't get lost going home.

The only things that were really troubled Legolas now were Frodo and Haldir. Frodo...he had like the hobbit on the quest to destroy the ring, (which was obviously avoided considering Frodo still had the ring). Frodo had been distant during the quest, but he hadn't been as evil as he was not. Every time Legolas went to the cell Frodo was kept in, the hobbit would sneer and hiss at him. It was disturbing.

And then there was Haldir. He had become more distant as the days rolled by. His old, fun self was gone. The super hearing and sight seemed to have gone to his head. Once in a while, he would even scoff at Legolas in the hallways, when they passed. Something he would have never done before. The similarities between the elf and the hobbit seemed to increase as the weeks went on.

Since Haldir had been at least semi normal before the hobbit showed up, Legolas immediately assumed that it was the hobbit causing the trouble. One day he decided to confront him about it. He walked down to the dungeons and went to the hobbit's cell.

"Frodo!" He said sharply when he arrived.

The hobbit glared at him with deep blue eyes. "What do you want Prissy Pansy Pants Prince?"

Legolas suppressed the urge to scream. The random insults were almost as bad as the emails. "Frodo. Do you know anything about Haldir?"

"Yeah. He's and elf," Frodo sneered.

"Did you do anything to him?"

"Like what...poison his water?"

Legolas glared. "Did you do anything to him?" 

"Who's to say I didn't poison his water?" Frodo glared back.

Legolas tried to push that thought out of his mind. He focused on a red light flashing on the back wall. Wow. There's a new security system down here. Legolas thought. 

Frodo glared. "What are you looking at Elf Freak?"

Legolas sighed. The was nothing more he would get out of the hobbit. "Nothing. Goodbye. Enjoy your cell."

As Legolas left, Frodo hissed at random guards. Later he entertained himself by coming up with new insults.


	17. Spy Magazine

Disclaimer: *See previous 16* **isn't it obvious?**

AN: Sorry this took so long....Been a bit busy but my schedule is clearer now. I know it's short, but there will be more coming soon. I'm going to try to do it every weekend at least, so stay posted!   
  


"So...What do you think?" Legolas sat in the middle of Mirkwood forest, talking to Ankara Lira.

"Huh? Oh...were you talking to me?...Sorry...I was playing with this...er...blade of grass...," Ankara said looking up.

Legolas began repeatedly banging his head on the nearest tree.

"I'll listen better this time! Really! Just tell me one more time!" Ankara started in an attempt to save Legolas from too permanent brain damage.

"Fine," Legolas sighed, walking away from the slightly dented tree. "Last time, though."

"Yes, yes!"

"Alright. I want to know if you have any idea why Haldir and Frodo are acting so weird."

"Is Frodo acting weird? I mean...you haven't known him that long."

"Er...so why is Haldir acting weird?"

Ankara became pensive. She stared intently at the blade of grass as if it would serve as some sudden inspiration. Suddenly her eyes lit up.

"I've got it!" She shouted.

"What!? Tell me!" Legolas jumped up.

"It was in my magazine..."

"Tell me!"

"Alright! There were these...these little, no TINY, microchips! The alien put them in the back of people's necks and it takes over their brains and no one can even tell!"

Legolas sighed. "Where did you read this?"

"Spy Magazine!"

Legolas sighed again. "So you have no idea what could be wrong, do you."

"I told you! Microchips!"

Legolas got up to bang his head against a tree again.

Ankara looked on. Suddenly her eyes brightened again.

"Legolas!" 

He continued banging his head.

"Legolas!"

He ignored her again.

"Legolas!!" She shook his shoulders.

Legolas groaned. "I had almost knocked myself out...Why did you stop me?"

"I'm getting my Spy Magazine. You stay here."

Legolas groaned and resumed his head smacking.

30 minutes later, Ankara returned with a magazine in hand. She looked around for Legolas, but didn't find him until she tripped over him. She sighed and shook him awake.

"Wake up, Sleeping Beauty!" She called.

"Frodo...go away...," Legolas whined, waving his hand.

"It's Ankara."

"Legolas squinted his eyes. He groaned. "Not you again..."

Ankara smiled. "I've got the magazine. Go home. Read this. I'll see you later." She smiled again and left.

Legolas watched her leave and then lay down again. He slowly stoop up. He had a bad headache and a few bruises. He leaned against a tree and looked at the magazine. It swirled in and out of focus. He blinked a few times and decided to lay down on the comfiest looking patch of grass. The next thing he knew, he was asleep.


	18. Bigfoot Edition

Disclaimer: The ideas are mine. Limited characters are mine. Most are not. Spy Magazine: Bigfoot Edition now selling for 4.95. Call me ;)

Authors note: Still lots of thanks to everyone reading this! I got a new book to write this in *my other one had 1 page left....I was sad...* so I can keep writing! I...ahem....wouldn't have written anymore chapters if I didn't have a book....so any one who enjoys this can thank Borders. Right now I would like to draw a little attention to a poor underappreciated story lost deep in the LotR Humor section. It was a small story,...9 chaps. now I think....that will be continued...., by the name of Total Control. It was coauthored by me and my cousin. If anyone enjoys this a whole lot and likes script format I encourage you to go read it. It's in my favorites section. Total Control. Halli Lote. Alright. Enough campaigning. Now for ....*dramatic music*.... Chapter.....18...! Enjoy!  
  
  
  


The early morning sun rose over Mirkwood forest. It tried to stretch it's rays deep in to the dark expanse to touch the face of an elven prince and wake him from his peaceful slumber. Unfortunately for the sun, though, the best it could do was touch the top of the trees.

Unbeknownst to the sun, something else was also trying to wake the elven prince. Many small furry woodland creatures had gathered around him as he slept. Many scurried closet to look at him, but only one dared to touch him. It crept up very close to him, and, climbing up on his face, nibbled on his ear.

Legolas screamed and stood up. The woodland creatures scuttled away, and the sun became content with merely touching the tree tops.

Legolas, though, was not content about much at all. He had an old headache, a new earache, a junk magazine he was supposed to read, an insulting hobbit in the closest dungeon, and several leaves impaled on his short spikey hair.

After picking the leaves out of his hair, Legolas began to walk back toward Mirkwood palace. He glanced at the cover of the magazine as he headed home. The head lines of that day were "Aliens: What to when you get brainwashed", "New discovery: Vampirasaur was prehistoric King; Not T-Rex", and "Horror Story: I was trapped in the bathroom with Bigfoot!" Legolas snorted in attempt to stifle a laugh. Rolling up the magazine, he continued back to the palace.

"Bigfoot...," He muttered to himself a few minutes later. He scoffed. "A hobbit maybe...but Bigfoot? Hobbits have big feet! And they might eat you and all of your food if you aren't careful. What could Bigfoot do? Growl at you?" He laughed to himself. "Bigfoot..."

He walked in peace, until a few minutes later he had a sudden outburst again. "And what is this Vampirasaur anyway?"

Legolas continued walking. A few minutes later, "And getting prepared for being brainwashed? Honestly!"

By that time he was almost back to the palace.

"Good morning, Prince Legolas!" The gate guard said cheerfully. "What's that you've got with you?"

"Magazine. Gotta go read," Legolas said showing it quickly to the guard.

"Oh! Spy Magazine! Bigfoot edition! Very good one! Enjoy!" The guard said opening the gates. 

Normally Legolas would have thought it odd that so many people read an obviously fake magazine, but he was too consumed with becoming one. He hurriedly rushed into his room and began to read.


	19. A dinner invitation

Disclaimer: Don't own Legolas, Frodo, Haldir, Thranduil, Mirkwood, other obvious references from LotR, other obvious references from other assorted places, subtle references from other assorted places, subtle references from LotR, and a whole bunch of other stuff. I do own Ankara, Spy Magazine: Bigfoot edition, and the stalker letters. (They will soon be sold on ebay starting at $100,000,000) I can also now say with confidence that I own my fuzzy pencil. The lost has been found! *Anyhow...that whole thing was to refresh your memory....if it wasn't blatantly obvious.*

  
  
  
  


Two hours later Legolas emerged. He had read the magazine cover to cover three times, and Ankara was on her was over.

He sat down in the closest chair, smiling and imagining what hie would do if an alien attacked. As he sat, many elves walked by him, paused, stared at him, and then left thinking wither that he must be meditating to obtain a higher spiritual connection, or that he had always be rather strange since he came back from the quest.

Legolas was oblivious to all of this, though. 15 minutes later, about the time that three young elves, a mere 2,000 years of age, had begun to creep up to him to see if he was asleep, Legolas jumped up and shouted. The three you elves scattered and were found in a closet 3 days later.

"I know! My bow! Must fix! Alien attack inevitable!" Legolas shouted in a broken speech usually acquired by someone whose IQ suddenly dropped by several points. "Need tying! Need sharpening!"

"Need speech lessons," Thranduil added turning the corner.

"Alien attack! Must prepare! Need-"

"I know! I heard you the first few times!" Thranduil interrupted. Then noting the obvious IQ drop added, "What have you been reading?"

"Spy Magazine!" Legolas held out Ankara's magazine.

The king groaned. "Save us, someone, from the terror some call entertainment!" With that the king left.

As he left Legolas thought he saw a faint flashing. "New security system," he muttered in his Spymag dialect.

Suddenly Ankara came down the hall where Legolas was.

"Read?" She asked.

"Yeah!"

"Microchips?"

"Uh huh!"

"Bigfoot bathroom?"

"Scary!"

"Frodo?"

At the sound of the name, Legolas was able to gain back all the IQ points previously donated to Spy Magazine.

Legolas sat down and buried his head in his hands. "What am I going to do, Ankara?"

Ankara, who was able to switch in and out of Spymag mode easily due to years of rigorous reading, sat down next to him. "Don't worry. He's a mortal. He'll be gone in a couple of years."

"But, he's been to the Grey Havens! What if he's immortal now? I'll have to listen to the random insults for the rest of eternity!"

Ankara sighed. "Just calm down. Focus on the present. If worse comes to worse, you can move."

"What?!"

"Er...you can move...him. You can move him."

"Oh."

"I'm hungry."

"Me too."

"It's a long way back to my house."

"That's nice."

"I'm hungry!"

Legolas sighted. "Fine. You can stay for dinner."

"Yay! What are we having?"

"I don't know."

Legolas and Ankara walked in the direction of the kitchen. As they were walking, a servant hurried by saying, "Assorted berries!" almost as if it were a greeting.

Ankara looked at him strangely, but assumed that it was some sort of a greeting among the royal elves. She barely had time to think this though before another elf ran by saying, "Lembas wafers!"

"Assorted berries!" Ankara called as the servant hurried in the other direction.

Legolas looked at her, but said nothing. A third elf hurried past with a fourth right behind. They shouted, "Fried furry woodland creature," and "Wine!" respectively before hurrying off.

"Sounds like a good dinner tonight!" Legolas said after all of the servants had disappeared.

"Wait...you said you didn't know what was for dinner!" Ankara paused. "And what sort of a greeting is 'assorted berries', anyway?"

Legolas stifled a laugh. "That was the menu...not a greeting...," he replied trying to keep a straight face.

"How did they know you wanted to know what was for dinner?"

"Security cameras and really good hearing."

"Oh."

They continued walking. Right outside of what Ankara assumed to be the dining room, Legolas stopped her.

"Alright," he began, "as soon as we sit down to eat, my dad will show up. Since he's king show him lost of respect. Don't talk too much if he doesn't ask questions. Don't correct him too much if he's wrong. He likes to think that because he's king he's omniscient. I'll do most of the talking if the questions aren't all directed at you."

"Okay! I get the point! Shut up and be polite!" Ankara winked.

"Basically. I just want to make sure his first impression is good."

"Don't worry. Everyone loves me!" And with a flip of her hair Ankara entered the dining room.


	20. A dinner proposal

Disclaimer: I don't own it. I don't know who owns it.

Authors Note: Bonus question! If anyone can tell me what Amtrack is (it's mentioned in the story) you will get a kazillion dollars to be paid in full by 2400!

  
  
  
  


Legolas and Ankara walked into the dining room. It was a moderate sized room, at least for a palace, with a large wooden table in the middle. Ankara and Legolas crossed the room and entered the kitchen.

"Did you get the menu?" The cook called as they came into the kitchen.

Legolas looked at Ankara. "Yeah...yeah we did."

"Good. Some of these servants have been reading a bit too much of Spy Magazine, if you ask me. Not that the Bigfoot edition wasn't good, but...too much of a good thing can be bad. Take salt for example. You put a little bit on some well done furry woodland creature, it's delicious. Too much and...," The cook looked at Ankara and Legolas who were starting to look bored. "You're dinners are over there."

"Thank you!" Ankara burst in appreciation for the food and silence.

Legolas and Ankara had barely sat down with their pates before, as Legolas had predicted, King Thranduil walked in.

"Legolas! How nice to see you! And...you...! Nice...to...see...er,...you," He greeted them.

"Dad, this is Ankara."

"Ah. Let me get my food."

He returned after a few moments. "Now Amtrack..."

"Ankara."

"Yes. Where do you live?"

"I live on the outskirts of the forest."

"Which part?"

"The western edge."

"Oh! So you must be of the Clearia household."

"Um...no...my last name is Lira."

"That's what I said."

"Yeah..."

Legolas watched the whole conversation and could only hope for the best. His father hadn't left yet; a good sign, and Ankara hadn't run screaming; an even better sign.

"So Anne Cleara..."

"Ankara Lira."

"...yes. How old are you?"

"I'm 5,992"

"Ah. Legolas is 6,049. Only a difference of...of-"

"57 years."

"Yes. Thank you. Now, what do you think of my son Legolas?"

Legolas began shoveling assorted berries into his mouth and ducked his head to shield himself from gaze. The stick fight was still strongly etched in his mind.

"He's...er...very nice...," Ankara began weakly. "I've only known him for a little bit, but he's a very...likeable elf from what I can tell."

Thranduil sat back in his chair. "What do you plan on doing in 5,000 years, Ankara?"

"Well, I was thinking of going into gardening, herbal remedies or possibly-"

Suddenly Legolas had a coughing fit which sounded astoundingly alike to 'Spamming, spamming, spamming, spammer,' but Thranduil didn't notice. Ankara shot him a death glare.

Thranduil stood up as soon as the coughing fit was over. "Well, Ankara, it was a pleasure to meet you. And if, in 5,000 years or so, you have not found that perfect someone, I'm sure that my son would be happy to marry you."

And with that he quickly left. Ankara said nothing, but grasped the arms of her chair firmly. Legolas looked up from his diminished pile of assorted berries. 

"Ankara," he began timidly, "can you ...calm down?"

"Why," Ankara said through clenched teeth.

"Your knuckles have turned white from holding the chair too hard.

"Oh," She slowly loosened her grip. "I can't believe he thought I liked you and would marry you!" She burst after a second.

"Heh. At least you made a good first impression..." 

"He barely even knew my name! Amtrack?! Anne Cleara?!"

"I told you to just go with the flow. I tried to warn you..."

"Well, you didn't warn me for a proposal!"

"That was him. Not me."

"That's my one comfort," Ankara looked at the clock. "I really should be going. Thanks for the dinner."

"It was nice having you here. And believe me, a proposal is better than being banned from the kingdom."

Ankara rolled her eyes. "Just keep telling yourself that, Elf boy. I still have bruises from the stick fight."

And with that, Ankara left Mirkwood palace and headed home.


	21. A chat with a boppit

Disclaimer: I don't own LotR or Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. *sigh*

  
  
  
  


Author's note: Sorry this is a bit late! And yes to most of you who guessed on Amtrack. It is a train system. Mostly in Massachusetts I think...but I know I've taken one from New York. Anyhow. Here's the new chapter. When I wrote it I was in a very...odd...mood so don't let my vocab. bog you down. If it doesn't disregard the last comment. Happy reading!

  
  


Legolas sat back down in a chair. Now he had to deal with short hair, a headache, an earache, an insulting hobbit and an irate elf. And all because of an email. He sighed and walked back to his room.

Legolas crossed his room and sat down on his bed. Strangely enough, though, he heard a crumpling noise; and it had been many years since comforters had been made out of leaves in Mirkwood. Legolas stood up and found that he had sat on a small, and now slightly crumpled, note. He flattened it and read 'Talk to Frodo' on it.

Though Legolas knew not who wrote it, he felt that it was probably urgent due to the messy handwriting. Urgent as it may be, though, the last thing Legolas really wanted to do was rush down to see Frodo. He sighed, and slowly left his room again.

You know, he thought to himself as he walked down the hall, If you add one line under the 'h' in hobbit and flip the 'b' 's upside-down you'd have boppit. Legolas smiled at the thought of bopping the hobbit. That thought was enough to keep him from turning away from the dungeons and running.

By the time the dungeons were reached, the thought had faded and dread rose anew. Legolas really didn't want to see the hobbit, boppit, and he assumed the feelings were mutual.

This assumption was proven when Frodo greeted him by saying, "Hello you ex-long haired, still fluffy pansy, prince wanna-be!" Then the hobbit smiled, which almost more disturbing than growling.

Any composure Legolas tried to keep while bearing with the hobbit was lost at the smile. He screamed. "Is that anyway to talk to someone who can hear seagulls and not go to the sea?!" He cried.

Frodo paused to think. "No," he replied after a while. "It's how you talk to an ex-long haired, still fluffy pansy, prince wanna-be."

If Legolas had had any more hair, he would have tried to rip some out. Considering at the moment he already had very little, he tried to regain composure.

"Frodo...," he began.

"Leggie?" Frodo smile sweetly.

Legolas could not take much more of the smiling. He decided to take a more aggressive approach. "You poor, poor child...," he sighed, shaking his head.

Frodo glared. "Who are you calling a child? I was 53 when I left for the Grey Havens!"

"Ah, yes!" Legolas continued airily. "Little more than an infant!"

Frodo glared even more. "Oh, yeah? Well I don't look a day older than 33! And at least I'm not as old as dirt!"

"Dirt is much older than anyone here!" Legolas exclaimed in mock puzzlement.

"You know what I mean," Frodo was now glaring so had that all of the woodland creatures within 100 feet of the palace ran.

"If you were talking about me, I'm only in my 6 thousands. And I'm sorry to inform you, but I refuse to talk to people who don't know their facts."

"Well...well...you wouldn't stand a whelk's chance in a supernova!"

Legolas smiled. "Goodbye, my good boppit."

At with that he left Frodo puzzling over his last comment.


	22. Like a whelk in a supernova

Disclaimer: Don't own LotR, HHGTTG *Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy for the silly people who haven't read it....silly people...* Big Mouth Billy Bass or Robin Hood: Men in Tights.

  
  


Authors Note: I really do have a plot line coming! It won't be in a neat 15 chapter...I don't think... like I had originally planned...but It's coming! Also, thank you to all of the people who have reviewed! Almost 150! Thank you!

  
  


Legolas beamed as he walked down the hall. He had beaten the boppit....er...hobbit at its own game. It took great will power, but it had been done. If he could master the fight of words the way he had mastered fighting with bows...and arrows (not hair clips)...he would never have another care in the world.

He closed his eyes and could almost hear a song. A song sung by a fish, moreover a mounted fish, named Billy. In his mind the fish sang clear and loud, "Here's a little song I wrote...might wanna sing it note by note. Don't worry...be happy....don't worry....be happy...," while flopping around on its plaque.

Legolas shook the vision from his head, and with a chuckle continued back to his room. He turned on his favorite Robin Hood: Men in Tights CD and danced around the room a little bit. At his favorite part in one of the raps, though, his phone started to ring.

Legolas muttered to himself and turned the music down. He answered the phone saying, "Prince of Mirkwood. How may you be of service?"

"Legolas! It's Ankara!" The voice on the other end said.

"Oh. Hey," Legolas replied flopping down on his bed.

"Look. Sorry for leaving early and all, but- "

"It's okay. I've got a question."

"Yeah?"

"Frodo said something disturbing to me as I left today."

"Okay..."

Legolas paused to think back to what he had said. 'Well...well...you wouldn't stand a whelk's chance in a supernova!' echoed through his mind. "He told me I wouldn't stand a....a whelk's chance in a supernova. Do you have any idea what that could mean?"

There was a long pause at the other end of the phone. After a minute Ankara said, "Well...I did some research. In some sort of a guide book they make a reference to a whelk. It appears to be a mythical creature. And a supernova is a giant explosion."

"Okay..."

"I'm assuming that this 'giant explosion' that is large enough to destroy stars would kill the mythical creature mentioned."

"So...so I'm going to die in an explosion!?"

"That's what my take on it is...even worse than being trapped in the bathroom with bigfoot, huh?"

Legolas took a deep breath. "Uh...yeah...," His mind raced. "You know, I've been seeing flashing lights every where thinking that they were part of a new security system. I bet they are planted bombs just waiting to blow me up!"

"Oh my gosh!"

"Do you have any guest rooms at your house?" Legolas asked frantically.

"Yeah...one..."

"Can I stay there just for a couple of days please?"

"Well..."

"Please! I don't want to die! And I'm supposed to be immortal! But by calling whelk, I bet I'm not anymore!" Legolas began to randomly babble, as many do when faced with danger.

"Fine. You can use the guest room."

"Great! Thank you! I'll be over in a little bit! Bye!"

"Bye..."

Legolas quickly hung up the phone, packed up his bag, and ran out of his room, carefully looking for red lights.

On his way out the front gate he saw his father and called, "Dad! I'm going to Ankara's for a couple of days! Watch out for blinking red lights and tell me if the place blows up, okay?"

King Thranduil blinked. "Sure...son..., have fun..."

"Thanks, Dad!" Legolas called and ran off, deep into the woods in search of the Lira household.

  
  



	23. Tastes like chicken

Disclaimer: I own myself. That's good enough for me ;)

  
  


Author's Note: I swear! The real plot will resurface! Eventually.... A small moment of this chapter is dedicated to this review...*Kate 2003-04-13 18 

Anonymous Oi, could you have somebody make him dye his hair blood-red? please, nobody would ever believe this.  
Sticks out tongue for no reason. Sorry, on a high.*So...yeah....Read and enjoy!

  
  


"Hello?" Legolas called into the endless blackness of the forest. Only the furry woodland creatures looked up. "Where is Hyper-Hearing-Haldir when I need him?....lousy detective....," Legolas groaned and kept walking into the darkness. 

Half and hour later the endless blackness had turned into endless dark grayness. Legolas sat down on a log and sighed. The trees were a dull gray, the grass a slightly darker dull gray, and the sky was a very blackish dull gray. He looked around in disgust, then stood up and began to walk again. A lonely bird of prey circled overhead and slowly followed its new target.

15 minutes later the dark grayness became light grayness with a hint of minty freshness. (Also known as green.) The bird of prey circled as Legolas sat down once more. After six and a half circles the bird of prey dove with astounding velocity. (Mainly because it wasn't carrying a coconut.) Furry woodland creatures scattered around Legolas. The bird of prey dove faster. Faster. Faster. It hit its target and immediately died.

Legolas, who had been oblivious to this, suddenly fell to the ground. He felt like he had a very heavy weight on his head. This was not normal, so he felt around on his head for what could have caused this sudden weight.

Within a few seconds, he found a bird of prey that had impaled itself on the sharp spikey rock that Legolas now called hair. Legolas plucked the bird out of his hair and went to a nearby pond. 

He looked in and saw his reflection. None of his spikes had been damaged, though some now had red tips. "This could be a new style...blonde with red tips...or maybe all red...," he thought aloud. Then seeing the feathers still in his hair, he decided that though it looked cool, he would still wash his head. He dunked it in the water for a few seconds, then washed his hands. He looked back in the pond. His hair was still in perfect spikes.

"Note to self," he muttered, walking back to where the bird and his bags were, "don't mix super glue and hair gel again."

Legolas picked up the bird and his bags and continued walking.

Within another 15 minutes, Legolas began to see the true colors of things illuminated by the sun's rays.

5 minutes later, he reached the edge of the forest and saw a small house.

"Hello! Is this the Lira residence?" He called, running up to it.

An elvish woman walked out of the house. "Yes. May I help you?"

"Um...yeah. I'm here to see Ankara," Legolas began.

"Oh! You're her friend! So nice to finally meet you. Ankara's told us so much about you! Now your name is...?"

"Legolas."

"Ah, yes. The prince. It's so nice to see someone from the other parts of the forest once in a while!" She looked to Legolas' hand quickly. "What's that, dear?"

"Oh," Legolas paused. "I, er, was practicing some...archery in the woods. I thought you might like it for dinner or something..."

"How...sweet. I'm sure it will taste great on the rotisserie," Mrs. Lira said with a skeptical, yet nonetheless warm smile. And with that, Legolas was ushered inside.


	24. Dinner preparations and siblings

Disclaimer: I own the now deceased bird of prey, the Lira family, and the book in which I wrote this. Not Legolas. Not Mirkwood. Not any thing that's JRR Tolkien's. He owns it. Not me.

  
  


Authors Note: Have faith! I have 27 chapters written and I might finish the other plot line before Chapter 30! It will begin to be not so random, I hope, in about 2 chapters. Just remember, most everything I do happens for a reason! *Then there are the little things that don't matter much. Don't think about those too much...* Anyhow....I introduce 3 sisters of Ankara's in this chapter. Major kudo points to any one who knows where I got them from!

  
  
  
  


Within an hour, the bird of prey was almost ready to eat and dinner was just finishing cooking.

Ankara helped Legolas get situated in the guest room, then introduced him to all of her siblings.

"This is Tiranë, she's the oldest. And Lusaka. She's older than me, younger than Tiranë. And the youngest is Sanaa. Tiranë is 8,012, Lusaka is 7,502 and Sanaa is only 4,631."

"Hello," Tiranë said.

"Nice to meet you," Lusaka added.

"Did you really kill that bird?" Sanaa asked.

All of her sister glared. "I told you to be polite!" Lusaka muttered through clenched teeth.

"Did you?" Sanaa asked Legolas again.

"Well...I didn't meant to...," Legolas began. "I was just walking...and..."

"You stepped on it and we're going to eat it?" Sanaa asked, disgusted.

"No! Nothing like that. It had been tracking me, I guess, and flew down at my head. But, unfortunately for it, I put too much hair get in a good three weeks ago..."

"It died on your hair?" Sanaa continued, shocked.

"You could say that."

"Wow."

It seem that Legolas had won the respect of Sanaa through that little incident.

"We'll just go help Mom finish getting dinner ready," Tiranë said, turning to leave while grabbing Sanaa.

"Nice to meet you, Prince Legolas!" Lusaka added, also leaving.

"Don't think I'm leaving!" Ankara said, sitting down in a chair. "I'm just wondering, though..."

"Yes?"

"Did that bird really die on your hair?"

"Unfortunately."

"Ew! Will the bird have chips of hair gel cooked into it?"

"Nah. I don't think so . The gel hasn't come out for three weeks, so I don't think it will start on one bird of prey.

"Phew. That would be really gross."

"I know. Don't tell your mother, though! I told her I was practicing archery, not using a superglue hair get combination."

"Okay. We may have to bribe Sanaa with lembas, but other than that I don't think Tiranë or Lusaka will say anything."

"Good. I wouldn't want to make a bad impression.

"You're all about impressions, aren't you?" Ankara asked after a pause.

"You have to be when you're representing the royal family!"

"All two of you?"

"Well...It's still royal!"

"Alright," Ankara tossed her hair and stood up.

"Ankara?" Legolas asked.

"What?" She replied turning around.

"Do...do you want me to greet your parents by saying 'Assorted berries' at dinner tonight?" Legolas asked in mock timidness.

Ankara glared with a smile at him. "Go ahead. Try that. I'll tell them it's a strange custom that strange princes have."

"And one that only strange peasants pick up on."

Ankara threw a pillow from the bed at Legolas. He ducked his head and it stuck in his hair, causing the second feathery mess of the day.

Ankara stood laughing while Legolas plucked feathers out of his hair and threw the pillow back on the bed.

"I'll just...er...help get dinner ready while you...get....ready," Ankara laughed, leaving before Legolas could protest.

Legolas grumbled to himself, cleaned up the feathers, then looked in the mirror before also going out the door and heading down to dinner.

  
  



	25. Snarls with Elves

Disclaimer: I still don't own it! Still!

  
  


Authors Note: Yay! Plot emergence! I know you won't be able to see the plot...but I can! Next chapter it will become more obvious, so don't lose faith!

  
  


"Well, Legolas, it's nice to have you here," Mr. Lira said as dinner began. Tiranë, Lusaka and Sanaa nodded enthusiastically.

"Thank you. It's nice to be here," Legolas smiled.

"This bird of prey really turned out nicely," Mrs. Lira said with a smile to Legolas.

"It is very good."

"What do you plan on doing when you get older, Legolas?" Mr. Lira asked.

"Well, I'll probably just take over the family business."

"You'd be king? Wow!" Sanaa interjected. He sisters shot glares at her, but Legolas smiled.

"What do you do in your spare time?" Mr. Lira asked again.

"A while ago I went on the quest to destroy the One Ring....lately I've become quite good with computers and keeping hobbits under control. I've also thought about sending a piece about Gollum into Spy Magazine. I'm sure he'd qualif-"

Legolas was cut off by loud knocking on the door. Mrs. Lira bustled over and opened it. It was a messenger from the palace.

"Prince Legolas!" He panted. "It's Haldir! He bit a servant in the hall! He-he-," The messenger gasped for breath, then continued. "He held onto their foot with his teeth for a good 5 minutes! He's in the dungeons! Need your help!" He leaned on the doorframe.

Mr. Lira stood up. "Legolas, we'll lend you one of our horses. It sound like there's trouble. Take any one that you like. I'll send the girls over to get it later."

"Thank you!" Legolas said appreciatively as he headed out the door.

The messenger sat down in Legolas' seat, smiled, and said, "What's for dinner?"

Meanwhile Legolas rode like the wind to the palace. Luckily, thanks to the hair gel, not one strand of hair fell out of place. That would have been worse than the Haldir situation on hand.

Upon returning home, he dashed down to the dungeons, where he found two occupied cells and many guards.

The guards let him go into Haldir's cell. Haldir snarled at Legolas, but nothing more. He had had many tranquilizers after biting the servant. 

A light blinked red on the back wall. Again. Again and again. And again.

A bomb? Legolas thought. No. Security? No. What if it's....?

Legolas walked closer to Haldir and held his hair up. Haldir only snarled. Legolas looked for a second at the back of Haldir's neck, and fell into a state of shock. He couldn't believe what he had found.


	26. The Return of Spy Magazine

Disclaimer: ...C'mon people...read the previous 25! 

  
  


Authors Note: Okay. That cliffhanger was mean. I know. So here's the short, yet plot filled chapter. The next one is longer! Just as a warning...I'm going to Finland for July so after these next four or five chapters there won't be updates for 4 weeks! Also, when I'm away (or when you come up with an idea) please send in ideas for the next plot! Okay. That's about it. Enjoy reading the first appearance of the plot I've been planning since March!

  
  


'Microchips are the most common way of being brainwashed by Aliens,' Spy Magazine had said in their Bigfoot Edition. 'Often, the microchips are placed somewhere on the head, so that the brainwashing electric impulses are close to the brain. The electric impulses can be programmed to make a person act a certain way, and usually the alien has a keyboard, or something like it, to control the microchip,' From there the article talked about how rabid sea monkeys are usually the alien's pets.

This article segment passed through Legolas' mind as he lifted Haldir's hair. The blinking light that had led him to lift up the hair appeared to be an honest-to-goodness microchip. Or a very small bomb. But, Legolas assumed it was a microchip. It sat on the back of Haldir's neck, and was almost unnoticeable, except for a blink of red light emitted from it every few seconds.

Legolas reached toward the blinking light slowly, almost feeling like he was in a dream, in an attempt to free Haldir from the brain control.

A snarl brought him back to reality. The next thing he knew was intense pain. The tranquilizer had run out.

"He bit me!" Legolas screamed trying to pry this hand from Haldir's jaws of steel.

A few guards rushed into the cell, bopped Haldir on the head with a stick and freed Legolas from the Jaws of Doom.

A nurse hurried in with a large strip of herb scented cloth to wrap Legolas' hand in.

"Are you okay?" She asked.

"My hand was just mauled by a rabid brainwashed elf!" Legolas shouted.

"I was just wondering...," the nurse rolled her eyes and continued wrapping his hand.

Legolas sighed and thought for a minute. "Do you have any herbs that could be used to subdue him?" Legolas asked after a pause.

"...I don't-" the nurse began.

"Anything would be good!" Legolas cut her off. "Anything! Even poison ivy! Could you wrap him up in poison ivy?"

The nurse looked shocked. "No!" She thought for a minute. "Well...I do have another scented cloth. That might make him go to sleep..."

"Perfect!" Legolas smiled.

The nurse hurried off, and soon Haldir was peacefully sleeping with a scented cloth tied around his head.


	27. The Awakening

Disclaimer: Still doesn't belong to me....

Authors Note: Erg...sorry...my document manager wasn't working...*sigh*....anyhow....Wow! This my be my longest chapter! Or second longest. Right after the 2nd chapter. Many apologies about the wait! *see above for one excuse....continue reading for others* We went to my mom's 20th college reunion this past weekend and I had a 20 hour drawing to do for art.... But here it is!  
  


Haldir woke with a start in a white room. "Leaping lemmings!" He shouted, looking around.

Legolas smiled. "Haldir! You're back!"

"Is that you Legolas? Everything seems so blurry..."

"We took the microchip off of your head. It was controlling your brain."

"Micro-oh...I think I remember someone saying something..." Haldir thought for a moment. "In the bush...said I could see and hear because of a microchip...very small...both the chip and them...dark hair...possessingly blue eyes...," Haldir broke off and rubbed his head.

"Frodo!" Legolas shouted. "He did this to you! Guards and nurse! To the dungeons!" In an instant they were off and Haldir was left to smile to himself.

Down in the dungeons, Frodo greet Legolas with a pleasant, "Leggie!"

Legolas cringed, but said, "Frodo, what did you do to Haldir?"

Frodo raised his eyebrows making his already over-sized eyes even bigger. "What do you mean?" He asked innocently.

"Did you plant a microchip on him?"

Frodo rolled his eyes, then glared. "Oh, go choke on a radish," he said, almost casually.

"Wha-," Legolas looked perplexed, but then regained composure as he focused on something on the back wall.

"Stupid little pansy whelk prince...can't even understand 'go choke on a radish'...What is our government coming to? Back in the Shire..."

Frodo continued to rant, but it fell on deaf ears as Legolas focused on the back wall. It was so familiar, yet...it couldn't be! He was guilty...he had to be.

Red. Stone. Red. Stone. Red. Stone. The monotonous blinking continued, just as it had in Haldir's cell, and even now in the lab. But...

"What are you staring at, blondie?" Frodo asked pointedly.

Legolas was jolted back to reality. "Uh...nurse...scented cloth, please..."

The nurse nodded and grabbed a cloth. Then both she and Legolas entered the cell.

"What are you doing?" Frodo asked suspiciously, jumping up.

The next thing Frodo knew, he was in peaceful slumber with a scented cloth around his face.  
  


* * *   
  


Frodo awoke with a small squeak an a table in a white room. He shuddered and instinctively curled up in a ball, like a frightened animal.

"Frodo," Legolas said sharply, expecting a retort.

Frodo closed his eyes and curled up tighter. "Where's Bilbo?" He whimpered.

Legolas started. Bilbo? Oh...the old hobbit...Did Frodo really not know he was out of the Grey Havens? Or was he just playing dumb?

"Where do you think he is Frodo?" Legolas asked levelly.

Frodo whimpered again. "Right next door?" He asked hopefully.

Legolas was shocked. For some reason, he didn't think that Frodo meant 'across the sea' when he said 'right next door'.

"Do you know where you are?" He asked Frodo.

"The Grey Havens?"

"No."

"No?"

"No."

"Oh. In a dream?"

"No."

"Dead?"

"Not yet."

"..." Was all Frodo managed to say.

"You are in Mirkwood. In the palace of King Thranduil."

"Are you sure?" 

"Yes."

"Positive?"

"Yes!"

Frodo whimpered again.

"Do you know how you got here?"

Frodo shook his head.

"Do you remember the Grey Havens?"

Frodo shook his head again. 

"What do you know?"

Frodo looked scared.

"Anything!" Legolas shouted.

Frodo paused. "Well...," he began meekly. "I don't think I ever got onto the ship to the Grey Havens..."

"Really? Why?"

"We...we met up with a bunch of elves. They said they wanted a word with me. Only me. They...pulled me aside...gave me some wine...told me they had a gift. Then they touched my neck...and...and...I blacked out. Then I woke up here." 

"Who was the gift from?" Legolas asked, assuming the pat on the neck was a microchip planting.

"I...don't..."

"Think!"

Frodo thought for a while/ Suddenly an expression of realization crossed his face.

"Who was it from?" Legolas asked impatiently.

"I...can't tell you!" Frodo covered his head and curled up in a ball.

"Tell me, or I'll shoot you." Legolas said, quite seriously.

Frodo poked his head out and looked up with painfully blue eyes. "It was...it was...," he took a deep breath, "It was from...King Thranduil."   
  
  
  
  
  



	28. A Thranduilian Lecture

Disclaimer: The plot...a few random characters...a fuzzy pencil. The rest...not mine.

  
  


Authors Note: I'm in Finland in a week! *happy dance* The next two chaps. will be up before I go! Er...don't expect any Saturday, though....I've been waiting 3 years for that book to come out!

  
  
  
  


King Thranduil sat on his throne in a large hall. It was very uncomfortable. The throne was a solid crystal carving created by one of Legolas's friends; the direct descendant of a dwarf he had imprisoned some 75 years before Legolas went off on the quest to destroy The Ring. It was the most impractical thing he had ever sat on, but kept it to keep peace with the dwarves.

King Thranduil sighed, shifted his weight 6 times, thought longingly about his old wooden throne, and sighed again before Legolas came into the hall.

"Ah! Legolas! Nice to see you, son. Weren't you off doing something with bombs?" Thranduil began casually.

"Yes. Hiding from them until Haldir bit a servant."

"Ah. Yes. That was too bad. Where is the servant?"

"The psychologist's."

"Ah. And Haldir?"

Legolas's eyes glinted. "Recovering."

"From what, pray tell?"

"From a microchip that had been implanted on his head."

"Oh?"

"It was planted by Frodo. Or so Haldir told us."

"And?"

Legolas paused. "Frodo did plant it."

"That's nice."

"...under the influence of another microchip."

"Really?" Thranduil was only faintly interesting in the doings of the hobbit. As long as...No. Everything will be fine, He assured himself.

"We took the microchip off of him...He said that it was put there by some elves as a gift."

"Oh?"

"Mirkwood elves."

"Okay..."

"Mirkwood elves with a gift from...you. A microchip gift."

"Well," Thranduil shifted his weight, "that's very interesting, Legolas, but how do you know you can trust this hobbit?"

Legolas felt his stomach drop. He didn't know he could trust Frodo. He only saw him for the beginning of the quest, and he had had the ring then.

Thranduil sensed the weakness and continued, "How do you know that the hobbit wasn't framing me to get revenge for that older hobbit, Bilbo? That Frodo probably knew how the old one had to live alone in my palace for a couple of weeks before freeing my 12 dwarven prisoners! I wouldn't so willingly trust the word of that young hobbit!"

Legolas bit his lip. His father had a point. Frodo could have been faking the whole 'microchip' thing and just had a fake chip his neck. 

"See, son, that is why you must analyze, analyze and over analyze before confronting a situation! Never rush into a battle of swords or wits without fully knowing your enemy! Study, study, study! Know every move they'll make before they make it! Know everything from their tunic size to their preferred mode of travel! You must-"

"Okay, Dad, I understand," Legolas said resignedly.

"The youth these days must be able to fill the shoes we elders leave behind!"

Legolas sighed he hadn't thought out this idea well enough, and he had inspired a lecture. "I get it, Dad," he sighed.

"Well, in that case, I'm going to the dining room. I'm hungry!" King Thranduil said, happy to end the lecture and even happier to stand up.

The King strode by Legolas and tossed his hair behind his shoulder.

Blink. Blink.

Legolas groaned. How complicated did a day have to get?


	29. Yet another one

Disclaimer: I still don't own LotR.....

  
  


Author's Note: Yay! Harry Potter comes out tomorrow! Yay! I go to Finland on Tuesday! Yay! This plot is coming together! Yay! I cam up with another one! 

  
  
  
  
  
  


The backs of necks rarely blink red on their own accord. Frodo's and Haldir's blinked because of their microchips. 

Noses only blink red in the case of a Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.

Ears, on the other hand, should not blink red, as one King Thranduil's was doing now. This was very odd because Legolas was sure there was no microchip on his father. 

"Er...Dad...could you stop for a second?" Legolas asked.

"Yes?" The King asked, turning around.

"Um...why is you ear blinking red?" Legolas asked.

King Thranduil covered his ears and said, "Fine. I admit! I planted it on the hobbit! He's related to the one that freed my 12 dwarven prisoners! I planted the microchip! It was me!"

Legolas felt confused, but asked again, "But why is your ear blinking?"

King Thranduil turned and ran. By some lucky chance, the nurse was right outside of the door holding up a newly scented cloth. King Thranduil ran right into it and instantly fell asleep.

Several minutes later, King Thranduil awoke in yet another white room. He sat up, rubbed his head, and looked around.

Legolas was sitting in a corner of that room, looking perplexed. His father hadn't shown any outward signs of possession by a microchip. He didn't have any dramatic changes in characteristics. He wasn't rude. He wasn't abnormally smart. But he had had a microchip on him, nonetheless. 

"Legolas?" King Thranduil asked.

"Yeah?"

"Why am I here?"

Legolas sighed. Microchips were exhaustive to deal with. Instead of trying to get the whole story, he decided to cut to the chase. "What do you remember from before you blacked out?"

"Eh...I was sitting on that crystal throne...someone needed to see me...then Haldir came in...and how did you know I blacked out?"

"You're kidding me! Gah! Why is my life so crazy!" Legolas shouted.

"Er...Legolas? Are you okay?" Thranduil asked cautiously.

"Yeah! Fine! First I get evil anonymous emails! Then I meet someone who likes to annoy me! Then Spy Magazine! Then bomb threats! Then microchips! And to top it all off my hair is short and in super-glued spikes!" Legolas ranted, pacing around the room.

"What are you talking about, Legolas?" King Thranduil asked, now genuinely worried.

"Nothing, Dad," Legolas sighed, slumping back into his chair, "It's nothing. All we have to worry about now is finding Haldir and getting to the bottom of this. He should be right next door...," Legolas trailed off.

As if on cue, a servant burst into the room. "Prince Legolas! It's Haldir! He's escaped!"

Legolas tried to melt into his chair. He groaned. "You're kidding me, right?" He said, shaking his head.

The servant also shook his head. "Would you like a search party organized?"

"Yes...tell them to search the grounds...," Legolas said, standing up. The servant left and he added to King Thranduil, "You stay here and try to recover a little, okay, Dad?"

The King nodded, so Legolas ran out, got a couple of guards for Frodo's and Thranduil's rooms, and wandered outside to join in the search for Haldir.


	30. The Culprit

Disclaimer: I don't own it! Don't sue me and my fuzzy pencil!

  
  


Author's Note: Alright! The closure of one plot and a month of inactivity! I'll miss this! But don't worry! I have another 15 chaps. planned already :)

  
  
  
  


"Haldir! Haldir! Come on! Stop hiding! Haldir!" The calls echoed throughout the forest. "Look, it's not worth it! Just come out of hiding!"

"You'll never catch me alive!" One tree called. "Er...whoops...," It added as a blonde elf jumped down and began to run.

"Catch him!" A random elf called. This wasn't hard considering about 20 elves had been searching nearby.

A group tied Haldir up to the closest tree and surrounded him.

An exhausted looking elf pushed to the front of the crowd and faced Haldir. "You've got a lot of explaining to do, buddy," Legolas said.

Haldir shut his eyes. "La la la! I'm not listening!"

Legolas banged his head against a tree.

"La la la la la la!" Haldir continued.

Legolas kicked him in the shin.

"La l-ow! That hurt!" Haldir shouted as Legolas kicked him.

"Look, Haldir. You have confused me to no end with these microchips. You had one you, but Dad said you put one on him. I'm not in the mood for any monkey business and I want some answers.

Haldir stuck out his tongue. Legolas picked up a leaf of poison ivy and threatened to rub it on Haldir's tongue if it didn't immediately return to its mouth. Haldir's tongue retreated back into it's sanctuary, but he still refused to talk.

Legolas sighed. "Fine. I didn't want to do this, but you leave me no choice," He said pulling out a threadbare and well-loved teddy bear.

"Mr. Squiggles!" Haldir shouted upon seeing to raggedy bear.

" 'Mr. Squiggles' will meet 'Mr. Big Pot of Boiling Oil' if you don't talk, Haldir," Legolas said, slightly pleased with himself. 

"Fine," Haldir glared, "I'll talk."

"You'd better," Legolas muttered. He gave the search party a quick command, and soon Mr. Squiggles was tied up to a tree. "If you talk, nothing will happen to Mr. Squiggles. If you don't talk...," Legolas drew his finger across the bear's neck. Haldir whimpered. "Well, it all stared when I read about microchips in Spy Magazine...," He began meekly.

"Wait! Before he continues check him for microchips!" Legolas interjected. There were none on him. With a nod from Legolas, Haldir continued.

"I made a practice chip...I found directions on the internet...King Thranduil was right there...I didn't like Frodo....little short thing. Made a better microchip....put it on him...began thinking I might get caught...put one on myself...," Haldir trailed off more and more, yet continued because he was surrounded by armed elves.

"But your eyes and hearing!" Legolas asked, confused.

Haldir sighed. "Eye charts are so easy to memorize. About 300 sold on ebay alone..."

Legolas sat down on a tree stump and tried to stop his head from exploding. Then he stood up again. "Why?"

"Why not?" Haldir said, with a faint smile on his face. "Immortality gets dull...minds are so easy to control. Now I know why to One Ring was so cool. Gee....Sauron was really smart to think of that..."

Now Legolas was annoyed. He had put his immortal life on the line a few too many times to hear praise for the One Ring. "Look, Haldir, I'm really sorry I have to do this...but I'm sending you to the psychologist's."

"I understand," Haldir said placidly. "Say sorry to Frodo and the King for me!" Haldir called as he was escorted off by a few elves, Mr. Squiggles clutched in his hands. The other search party elves departed into different directions.

Legolas sat on a tree stump and tried to digest all of the information he had just learned. A strange thought suddenly popped into his head.

Who had really been typing the anonymous hate emails? If Frodo had been controlled by a microchip, was it really Haldir writing it or did he just tap into Frodo's emotions?

Legolas's head began to hurt. He pushed the thoughts out of his head and wandered back to the palace. He was finally going to get a well-deserved rest.

  
  


A/N: Have a great July! Wish me luck in Finland!


	31. And the story continues

Disclaimer: It really isn't mine. Except for the plot lines, ideas, random forest creatures, Lira family, and random servants. The rest I'm sure you can recognize as "Not Mine".  
  


Author Note: So Sorry for the delay!! I have the next 14 chapters planned out and I'm going to do my darndest to get at least one out a week! If it's any consolation...Finland was great!!!  
  


Legolas woke with a start. He had had a weird dream in which Haldir chained Frodo to a keyboard and made him type emails. When Legolas tried to tell Haldir to stop, Haldir began to run; the harder Legolas chased after him, the faster Haldir ran away. It was rather unnerving to the poor prince.

The dream reminded him of the questions that were running about in his head. The identity of the mind behind the emailer was yet to be truly known.

Legolas crawled out of bed and got changed into something more comfortable. He wanted to listen to his Men in Tights CD, but suppressed the urge. He had a new mission.

He walked out of his room and down halls until he reached the Throne Room. Inside it he found King Thranduil lying on the floor. Before Legolas had a chance to say anything, King Thranduil jumped up onto his throne.

"Ah, Legolas," He said with a smile, then slouched into a comfortable position.

"Do you mind if I go on a short journey, Dad?" Legolas asked.

"How short? About as short as the one to destroy The Ring?"

"Much shorter! That one was a full year long!"

"A year seems much shorter when you are 17,072, I suppose, then when you are 6,049."

"Um...yeah. I should only be gone for a couple of days. Can I go?"

"A mere blink of the eye," Thranduil said, misty-eyed. Then he snapped out of it. "Yes, you can go. Where to?"

"I have to talk to Haldir. Do you know where he is?"

"I heard he was sent to the psychiatrist's office south of here."

"Thanks, Dad! See you in a bit!" Legolas said running out of the Throne Room.

Thranduil smiled and waved. He went back to his most comfortable throne position, lying on the floor, as soon as he heard the footsteps die away. "I should have asked him to pick up some throne cushions," he muttered with a small smile.

Outside, Legolas had mounted the horse he had borrowed from the Lira's and was preparing to ride north through the forest. He had his laptop and some lembas in an unnecessarily large bag, which he hitched up to the horse. He was now ready to find Haldir. After a quick stop at the Lira's.

10 minutes, several miles of forest, and many different color shades later, Legolas was at the Lira household to ask if he could borrow the horse for a bit longer. Mr Lira agreed and Legolas tried to head out again.

"Are you leaving so soon?" Mrs. Lira asked.

"Well, yes. I have to-" Legolas began.

"You explain over a cup of hot tea, dear," Mrs Lira smile. 

"I really need to-" Legolas tried again, but before he knew it, he was sitting on their living room couch, surrounded by the Lira family, explaining his newest journey, cup of tea in hand.

They nodded and smiled at all the appropriate times. When Legolas's story ended Sanaa asked, "Can I come? Please?" Her sisters glared at her. 

Her mother laughed and said gently, "Prince Legolas has enough troubles on his hands, dear. Maybe another time." 

Sanaa furrowed her brow and crossed her arms. Conversation continued and soon Legolas was trying very hard to get out of the house.

"I'll have the horse prepared for you, Legolas," Mr. Lira said glancing at his daughters.

"I'll do it," Sanaa grumbled. She left the room and headed outside.

"Do you really have to go?" Lusaka asked.

"Yes. But, I'm sure I can email you guys if I unblock your sister's email," Legolas smiled, heading toward the door.

"Your email is blocked by him?" Lusaka said, rounding on Ankara, "What did you do?"

"Long story, no time to explain," Ankara said, non-descriptively to Lusaka. Then added to Legolas, "I do have a real email inbox, too. You can email me there," She scribbled it on a piece of paper.

Legolas took it and said goodby to the five Lira's still in the room. He headed outdoors. The horse was in plain view, saddled and brushed, but he didn't see Sanaa anywhere. He assumed she had gone for a walk, and mounted the horse. He had begun the search for Haldir.

The horse plodded along as if it had a heavy weight around it's heart.

"Don't worry, boy, you'll see your home soon," Legolas said to the horse.

It snorted and flicked its mane. With that, the search for Haldir continued.


	32. The Search begins

Disclaimer: I may be older...but it still isn't mine.

  
  


Author's note: I bet you're wondering about the disclaimer. If you aren't, read it over and over until you do wonder about it. The reason why is...now I'm 15! Yay! Happy Birthday self! So happy Elenea's-first-post-as-a-15-year-old day! *I'm lobbying to make it a national holiday...It's not working yet...*

  
  
  
  


The Search continued slowly. Much slower, in fact, than Legolas had planned. The horse ambled through the woods slower than any other horse Legolas had known. It was as if he had quite a few more riders, or at least a ruder if a much denser mass.

After twenty minutes, they had only made it to a pond on the southern side of Mirkwood palace. Legolas was sure that it could have done twice that on any other day.

"We'll see you home soon enough," Legolas tried to reassure the horse. "We won't be gone for long."

The horse snorted and trudged along.

Thirty minutes later, they had finally passed completely out of sight of the palace. Legolas exasperatedly told the horse to stop and tugged on the reins. He was rather hungry. He walked up to the food bag, then stopped. He only had limited supplies. The horse was moving too slowly to eat now.

He hopped back on the horse. It trudged along and by the end of the day, they had made it about halfway to their destination. Legolas had planned to be in a nice comfy visitor's bed at the psychiatrists's office. Now, he was sleeping on the forest floor.

He went over to the horse and loosened the bag on it. He barely caught it as it fell to the ground like a rock. Who knew a laptop and lembas could be that heavy?

Maybe the Lira's packed me water! Legolas thought hopefully. He'd check in the morning.

He curled up in some leaves and went to sleep. Sleep is good, the still-sleep-deprived Legolas thought as he drifted off into sleep.

***

He woke late in the morning to find the horse trotting happily around him. He got it to stop, then heaved the very heavy bag onto it. The horse looked very tired now.

"How strange..." Legolas murmured, "Maybe it's the bag..." He hopped on the horse and began riding again. By 4 o'clock he finally reached the psychiatrist's.

He walked inside and up to the front desk.

"Yes?" A very prim secretary said, "Are you a patient?"

"No. I'm looking for someone who's supposed to be here," Legolas smiled.

The secretary looked as if she wasn't convinced he wasn't a patient. "Name?"

"Prince Lego-"

"Patient's name?"

"Oh. Haldir."

"Haldir of?" The secretary continued to prompt.

"Of Lothlorien. Sorry."

"Date of arrival?"

Legolas wasn't quite sure when he had arrived. "Either late two days ago or yesterday."

The secretary didn't reply either way. She typed something quickly, and ran her finger along the computer screen for ½ a minute before speaking.

"Ah yes," she said, "Haldir of Lothlorien. He arrived yesterday. The doctor saw him briefly, but said that there was nothing he could do. He's been transferred to the office in the north-west of Mirkwood."

"What?" Legolas exploded. "Can you even do that?"

"Yes. It's quite common," she replied calmly before returning to her typing.

Legolas sighed. "Well...thank you...," he mumbled before leaving. He deserved some lembas.

Outside he undid his bag from the horse, caught it, then opened it to find lembas. He almost fell over when what he saw inside decidedly wasn't lembas.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	33. The bag's stowaway

Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings or Monty Python which I referenced a little bit. Let's see who can spot the reference!

  
  


Authors Note: Okay...you don't have to spot the reference. But if you want to you can! Sorry this is a full week late. School starts Wed. so I'll be falling into a more regular pattern soon. *sniff* Bye Bye Summer!

  
  


"Sanaa?" Legolas asked incredulously. 

Sanaa sheepishly climbed out of the bag. "Hi," she smiled.

"What are you...? How did you...?" Legolas began.

"Well...I went to fix up the horse...and I kinda packed myself," she began.

" 'Kinda packed' yourself?" Legolas asked.

"Well...yeah."

Legolas thought for a moment. "Well...I guess you'll have to come. That horse is so slow these days that I'll be way off schedule if I take you home," Legolas sighed resignedly, then turned around to get some lembas.

"Yes!" Sanaa murmured to herself.

"What?" Legolas asked, turning around.

"Erm...I said...Lego-less! Yeah! I was trying to get your attention and it kind of sounded like Legolas. But not quite. So that's why I said it."

"...Okay..." Legolas was confused, but turned back around. Mmm. Lembas. Goooooood.

"So can I ask you my question?" Sanaa asked.

"Huh?" Legolas didn't like these interruptions while he was eating.

"I was getting your attention by saying 'Lego-less' so I could ask you a question."

"Oh. What is it?"

"How can you go so long without eating?"

"Wait...what?"

"You took so long to open that bag. Weren't you hungry?"

"I had to find Haldir. I wasn't going to let food stop me."

"Do you know how stuffy it was in there?" Sanaa asked accusingly.

"I wasn't the one who stuffed you in the bag. Don't get mad at me," Legolas said, starting to eat again.

Sanaa sighed and sat down on a tree stump. Legolas continued to eat. Sanaa threw a rock at a tree. Legolas ate. Sanaa watched the horse prance about. Legolas ate a bit more. Sanaa glared angrily at Legolas. Legolas licked some crumbs off of his fingers, then looked up at her.

"What?" He asked, unsure of why he was being stared angrily at.

"Well?" She asked.

"What?!" Legolas was quite confused.

"When are you going to do it?"

"Do what?!"

Sanaa rolled her eyes. "Duh. Email my sisters and tell then I'm safe!"

"Oh," Legolas stood up and got out his laptop.

"First tell them I'm safe and with you. Then say how happy you'll be to keep me. Then tell them not to touch any of my stuff while I'm gone. Oh! Don't forget to say you'll keep in touch. 

Legolas sighed and began to type.

*

Hey Ankara,

Sanaa told me to write to you guys. She wants me to say, 'Sanaa is safe and with me. I'll be happy to keep her. Don't touch any of her stuff while she's gone. I'll keep in touch.'

Bleh. Well...I'll keep her, but it'll cost you. Lots. Who knew little kids could be so bossy? Anyhow, I hope you didn't worry too much. I'll be looking for Haldir for a bit longer. I have to go up to the North Western psychiatrist's office now. So...I gotta get going. This may take a while...

Legolas

*

He sent the email and packed his bags back up.

"Ready to go?" Sanaa asked from behind Legolas.

Legolas looked around. He found her already seated on the horse.

"Um...yeah. I just have to put the bags on the horse."

That was done quickly. The Search for Haldir could continue.


	34. Dinner for two

Disclaimer: LotR isn't mine!

  
  


Author's Note: Sorry this is sooooooo late! I've had tennis, a play, and (worst of all) school! No time! I'm sure you all feel the same way... or at least I hope, so that I can have some sympathizers. ;) I hope you can enjoy it (even though it's late!) ! 

  
  
  
  


3 hours later, the horse was stopped and Legolas and Sanaa hopped off to grab some lunch.

"So what do you have to eat?" Sanaa asked.

"You tell me. You were in my bag for a day," Legolas muttered.

Sanaa stuck out her tongue. "It was dark in there."

"I suggest you put that tongue back in your mouth if you don't want it too be covered with poison ivy," Legolas said evenly. This threat was becoming more and more popular with him.

Sanaa's tongue returned. "Well? What have we got to eat?"

"Lembas."

"Lembas?"

"Lembas."

"That's it?"

"Yes."

"We can't live on lembas alone!"

"Does it matter if we live? I concentrate more on if I," Legolas replied rather coldly to his stowaway.

"Well...well fine then! You can't live on lembas alone!"

"Frodo did. In Mordor. With the Ring. And a wound from the Nazgul."

"But...but he's a hobbit! We-...You are an elf!"

"Doesn't matter."

Sanaa sat down on a log. "Can you catch another bird in your hair?" She asked hopefully.

Legolas glared and tossed her a piece of lembas.

She ate it sullenly and slowly for a few minutes before getting an idea. She laughed a satisfied little laugh to herself.

Legolas looked up from his lembas. "Are you okay?"

Sanaa looked up, startled. "Uh...yeah! Just coughing! The lembas got stuck in my throat!"

Legolas shrugged and continued to eat.

After a few more minutes of slow eating, Sanaa asked, "Legolas, can I see you bow?"

Legolas hesitated, but decided that she couldn't do too much damage to it. "Sure," he shrugged. He took it off of his back and tossed it to her.

Sanaa caught it deftly and smiled. "Thanks," she smiled again and stood up. She glanced quickly at Legolas and then began to run into the woods.

"Hey! Wait!" He shouted. He started to chase after her, then stopped. He smiled to himself. This was his window of opportunity. She was gone! He could ride off without her noticing! He began to put his bag on the horse.

Then, with a sudden thought, he frowned and sighed. His bow. He couldn't leave it. It was a very good bow. Resignedly, he sat down on the closest tree stump.

He sat. And sat. Then he did some more sitting. Followed by more. He idly picked up a blade of grass and twirled it between his thumb and forefinger.

It was really quite entertaining. He continued to do it for ten minutes. After the ten minutes were up, he heard a branch crack somewhere behind him. He turned on his tree stump, instinctively reached for his bow, and proceeded to fall off the stump in surprise and alarm when he realized it wasn't there.

He heard a sigh, followed by more cracking sticks. He saw Sanaa looking down on him a few seconds later. She stuck out her hand and pulled him off the ground. 

"Where have you been?" He asked.

"Getting dinner," she smiled.


	35. Dinner to go

Disclaimer: I don't own it. *clap clap clap-clap-clap* I don't own it. *clap clap clap-clap-clap*

  
  


Author's note: So sorry for the delay! My wonderful book in which this is written had fallen behind the computer and I couldn't find it! *gasp!* But now it's found. So I'm happy. I really will try to update regularly!! Well....here's the next chapter!

  
  
  
  


"Dinner?" Legolas asked skeptically.

"Yes."

Legolas looked at her and realized that in her other hand she held his bow, an arrow, and...something else.

"When did you...?" He began, upon seeing the 'something else'.

"I shot it. I found the arrow in a bush."

"How did you know....?" He tried again.

"How to shoot an arrow from a bow? Easy. I'm a fourth child. Dad taught me. My sisters had to go out and learn to garden while I got to learn how to shoot."

Legolas gawked.

"Actually," Sanaa continued, "I think Ankara got to learn a little bit of archery. But not Tiranë or Lusaka. I bet they wouldn't even hold a dead bird of prey in their hands," she held out her fist, displaying her prize. The 'something else'.

"But-but why did you go and shoot a bird of prey?" Legolas stuttered.

"Dinner!" Sanaa rolled her eyes exasperatedly. She had spent a good 500 years perfecting the 'exasperated rolling eyes' look. "Actually, I got the idea from you," she smiled. "You know...killing a bird of prey with your hair and then giving it to us for dinner."

Legolas raised his eyebrows. "I killed that bird? No, my friend, you are sadly mistaken. That bird had a death wish of its own. It impaled itself on my hair."

"Well, the details don't matter. Either way we had bird of prey for dinner then, and we will now, too."

Legolas shrugged. "Okay. Let's pack up."

"Wait...what about the bird?"

"Bring it. We have to keep going now. Your little escapade in the forest put us back by half an hour."

Sanaa sighed and half-heartedly threw the bird of prey in the bag. She gave Legolas back his bow and the arrow that she had found. Then she mounted the horse.

Legolas tied the bag to the horse, put his bow back on his back and then mounted also. They continued to ride on to find Haldir.

***

Within another 3 hours, they had reached the second psychologist's office. 

"Alright. You stay here. I'm going to run in and talk to Haldir. Don't get into any trouble," Legolas directed.

"Fine. I'll just make a fire," Sanaa said as Legolas turned to leave.

"Wait...what?" He said sharply, turning around.

"I'm not eating raw bird of prey. It will be roasted over the fire I will make."

Legolas nodded, distractedly, and hurried inside, not too worried about what Sanaa could do with the fire. Some visions of a completely burned Mirkwood forest did pass through his mind, but he shook them off and approached the desk where another secretary was sitting.

"Yes?" She asked as he approached.

"Hi. I'm Prince Legolas of Mirkwood. I'm looking for a Haldir of Lothlorien."

"Haldir of Lothlorien. Haldir of Lothlorien," the secretary muttered to herself as she turned around. She searched through a filing cabinet and pulled out a folder.

"Ah yes! He arrived early this morning. Very tough client. Our psychiatrist didn't know what to do. You missed him by half an hour."


	36. Stop for a snack

Disclaimer: Isn't mine……

Author's Note: Soooo sorry about the delay!!! I have an explanation of how I figure out the ages *relativetohumanyears* coming, but right now it escapes me…so I'll post it next chap. Which will be much sooner than 5 or 6 weeks from now! Sorry about the wait!

"You're kidding," Legolas groaned.

"No. He's been transferred to the Southern office."

"I've already been there though!" Legolas shouted. "They sent him here!"

The secretary surveyed him over her glasses. She turned, picked up a file, and scanned it. "It seems he was in the South-Eastern psychiatrist's office. He was transferred to the one in the South."

"What's that's supposed to mean?" Legolas asked, exasperated.

"Look. There are 8 psychiatrist's offices. North, South, East, West, North-West, South-West, South-East and North-East. He's gone from South-East to North-West to South. Got it?"

"Yeah," Legolas sighed.

"Good. Have a nice day...er...evening," The secretary smiled.

"Thanks," Legolas muttered as he sullenly walked out.

Outside he saw Sanaa happily cooking what had delayed them by half an hour.

"Hi!" She smiled happily. "Dinner's almost ready!"

He glared at her.

"Okay...," Sanaa said slowed . "I'll assume Haldir isn't there."

"Yeah," Legolas snapped, "because of that!" He pointed dramatically at the roasting bird of prey.

Sanaa looked from Legolas's finger, to the roasting bird of prey, and back to Legolas's finger. "Huh?" she asked, then added, "Do you want to see the psychiatrist real quick?"

"That bird," he began, ignoring the question, "set us back by half an hour!"

"Yes..."

"Haldir left half an hour ago!" Legolas shouted crazily.

"Oh. Oops," Sanaa said, meekly. "If it's any consolation, I put some herb seasoning on it! It should be really good!" She added.

Legolas glared.

"I've done it before! It really tastes great!" Sanaa tried again.

Legolas glared more.

"We'll find him at the next psychiatrist's office! I'm sure!"

Legolas continued to glare. He found himself wishing that glaring was a sport. He must be quite good at it by now.

Sanaa sighed. "Alright. If you aren't hungry enough to talk, you can eat lembas. I'm having bird of prey with herb seasonings."

Legolas tried to glare fiercely, but his stomach protested. "Eh...!" he began.

Sanaa smiled. "I thought so."

She took the bird of prey and cut a slice off. It was done to near perfection. Legolas could feel him mouth watering and was very glad that he would not be eating lembas. Sanaa handed him some pieces of bird of prey on a wooden plate.

"Where did you get plates?"

"Er...," Sanaa began, but was attacked by a sudden coughing fit that sounded strangely like 'Psychiatrist's kitchen...psychiatrist's kitchen...'.

Legolas ignored it, then asked, "And the knife?"

"Oh that. I carry it around," Sanaa said after the fit finished.

This scared Legolas slightly, but he brushed it off after realizing he always had his bow if she attacked during the night.

"So you can shoot an arrow, you cook, and you carry a know?"

"And garden and sew."

"Wow."

"Yup."

Legolas paused and added, "Oh, and don't think I'm talking to you at all of anything for fun. I'm just doing it because I'm hungry. I'm still mad that this delicious bird of prey set us back by half an hour."

"Oh, okay," Sanaa smiled.

They lapsed into a slightly more comfortable silence.


	37. Note passing

Disclaimer: Still isn't mine....of course.

  
  


Authors Note: Wow! Only a week's wait! About the ages... My idea of a conversion is multiplying each given age by .003. That makes the ages in my mind to be:

Legolas: 6,047 = 18.147 

Ankara: 5,992 = 17.976 

Tiranë: 8,012 = 24.036 

Lusaka: 7,502 = 22.506 

Sanaa: 4,631 = 13.893 

Thranduil: 17,072 = 51.216 

Haldir: *Can't find it right now....grrr...but I think he was in his thirties somewhere...* 

Three young elves *who made a brief appearance in chapter 18*: about 2,000 = about 6

  
  


If that doesn't fly for you just ignore it and go back *in your mind* to how the ages had been. ;). Any how...here's chapter 37!

  
  
  
  


The next morning, Legolas and Sanaa rode back in the direction they had come from. They rode for only five hours before reaching a psychiatrist's office. They horse seemed to be getting faster each time that it took the trip across the forest.

Legolas hopped of the horse to run inside of the office.

"I'm going to hunt! Can I have your bow?" Sanaa interrupted his running.

Legolas threw her the bow without objection because the meal of the previous night had been very good.

"Thanks! Can I have an arrow also?"

Legolas threw her one and disappeared inside the office.

Sanaa turned and ran in the opposite direction.

Upon entering, Legolas saw another secretary. Either he had not gotten enough sleep the night before, or he was just imagining things, but the secretaries were looking very similar to him. He blinked a couple of times and approached the desk.

"Hi. I'm Prince Legolas. Can I speak to Haldir of Lothlorien?"

The secretary nodded. She took out a very large book, with letter tabs on the side, and flipped to 'H'. She skimmed the page.

She took out a piece of paper scribbled something on it and handed it to Legolas.

He took it, though he was confused, and read it. It said: 'We have no record of a 'Haldir of Lothlorien' here.'

Legolas was not quite sure what to do, so he grabbed a pen and wrote back: 'How 'bout 'Haldir of Lorien'?'

The secretary was passed back the paper, read it, looked at the book, then wrote back: 'No'.

'Haldir of the Golden Wood?' Legolas wrote back hopefully, after he was passed back the paper.

'No,' The secretary responded via the sheet.

'Haldir of anything?' Legolas wrote, exasperated.

The secretary looked in her book, paused, then wrote, 'There was a 'Haldir of Mongolia', but he went across the sea 12,000 years ago.'

Legolas frowned, upon reading this. 'Mongolia?' He wrote.

'Yes. Mongolia. Haldir of Mongolia was quite insane by the time he came here.' 

Legolas shrugged after reading this. It wasn't the Haldir he wanted, so it didn't really matter. Then he wrote: 'Why are we writing instead of talking, anyway?'

The secretary wrote back: 'I have laryngitis. I don't know why you're writing, though. It's not like I'm deaf. I heard you when you came in, didn't I?'

Legolas read this. "Good point," he said.

The secretary smiled. Then she took back the paper.

"The North Western psychiatrist's office told me that he would be here," Legolas began, confused.

The secretary wrote back: 'I told you, there has only been Haldir of Mongolia here in the South Western office.' 

Legolas read this, then read it again. "This is the South Western office?" He asked, handing back the paper.

'Yes,' the secretary wrote.

"Thank you! I've got to go!" Legolas shouted running out. The secretary waved. 

Sanaa was outside gathering firewood. "How was Haldir?" She asked.

"Not there. Wrong office," Legolas said starting to pack the bag on the horse.

Sanaa grabbed the furry woodland creature that she had caught as dinner and put it and her pile of firewood in the bag. She and Legolas mounted the horse and took of in search of the right psychiatrist's office.

  
  



	38. A riding we will go

Disclaimer: I have nothing against smiling stuffed animals. Really. And it isn't mine.

  
  


Authors Note: Soooooooo sorry!! I feel so bad because I have had 44 chapters written since I came back from Finland in July. So why haven't I typed and posted them quickly? No idea. Well...here's a chapter at least. I'll really try to get another up soon!

  
  


"How much longer will this take?" Sanaa asked after 2 more hours of riding.

"Don't know," Legolas responded, pushing the horse to go a little faster.

Sanaa sighed. "Do you even know where you're going?"

"East."

Sanaa sighed again, but said nothing.

They rode in silence for another half an hour. After the half an hour, they stopped suddenly, almost colliding with a small building.

Legolas ran inside once more and Sanaa stayed outside. She unpacked the bags from the horse, pulled out the firewood, and made a quick fire. Then she put the furry woodland creature on a stick, and put it over the fire.

She hummed a small tune as it roasted, then took out a small bag from one of her dress pockets. She opened it up and took out three leaves.

The first one she crushed, and threw into the fire. The fire turned green briefly, then returned to its original state.

The next leaf was folded a few times before it was also tossed into the fire. The fire promptly began to crackle and pop loudly.

The last leaf was thrown in whole, and the whole fire leapt up, encircling the furry woodland creature before shrinking to its original size; then extinguishing itself neatly.

"Ha ha!" Sanaa smiled, triumphantly. She held he bag aloft for the world to see, then kissed it and put it back in her pocket. "Works like a charm!"

She cut up the furry woodland creature and divided it between the two plate, just in time for Legolas to come out.

"Dinner is ready!" She said happily.

"Great," he replied, with almost as much enthusiasm as a slug that just crawled through salt.

"No Haldir?"

"He left 15 minutes ago for the South-Western office."

"But we were just-"

"I know."

They ate in silence for a few minutes before Legolas said, "And you know what? Those secretaries are starting to freak me out. They all look really similar. Same glasses, same hair style...different colors, but that's beside the point..."

"Maybe they're related."

"Maybe..."

They lapsed back into silence.

"You know what I want to do someday?" Sanaa said suddenly, after a few minutes.

"What," Legolas responded rather sullenly.

"I want to make a business that sells stuffed animals.."

"Really."

"Yup. But not just any stuffed animals."

"Oh."

"Smiley stuffed animals."

"Really."

"Yup. I'd have Smiley Rodents, Smiley Woodland Creatures, Smiley Smilies and I might even expand into Smiley Livestock and Smiley Domestic Pets."

Legolas found this quite funny, but pretended to still be sullen. "And what if the business fails?"

Sanaa shrugged. "I'd use the stuffed animals as target practice. Who wouldn't want to shoot a little creature with a big smile on its face?"

Legolas smiled in spite of himself. "Alright. Let's pack it up."

They did so, and rode back to the South-Western office in only one hour, surprisingly.

Legolas ran back into it when they arrived, and asked, "Has Haldir gotten here yet?"

The secretary wrote back, 'I told you. We've only had a Haldir of Mongolia and-'

Legolas had been reading over her shoulder and interrupted. "Yes, I know. But Haldir of Lothlorien is being transferred here. Please don't let him leave before I talk to him. I'll be camping outside."

The secretary nodded and Legolas slept well that night, knowing that he'd talk to Haldir in the morning.


	39. Morning Blindness

Disclaimer: Honestly...how long have you people known me?

Author's Note: New chapter up. Yay! I think they should start coming faster because I have come up with a new plot line. Yay! With any luck it will become motivation for me to type faster. So...that's about it. Enjoy!

The sun rose happily the next morning. It shone on the sparse trees of the edge of the forest. It shone on the roof of the Southern psychiatrist's office. It shone on several furry woodland creatures who were trying to eat the lembas that Legolas had packed. It shone on Legolas's hair and temporarily blinded the furry woodland creatures.

A few moments later, the elf prince awoke to several thuds. Though he did not realize it, the thuds were the sounds of the furry woodland creatures running blindly into trees. He stretched and blinked a couple of times, then smiled. Today he would see Haldir.

He stood up. Sanaa was still sleeping. He didn't know what time it was, but it must have been early because every other day, she had been up before him. 

Legolas sighed. He should probably wait a little bit before trying to talk to Haldir. It was too early, as of yet.

He pulled out his laptop and began to check his emails. Without the Cindy Ellenshare emails, he found he could check it less often. He had a lot more inbox space without, roughly, 10,000 love letters.

Most of his new emails were junk. He had received one from his father, on from Ankara and one from Spy Magazine, though.

He opened the one from his father first. It simply told him to remember that all of his laundry needed to be given to the servants by Wednesday, or else it wouldn't get done. Legolas sighed and deleted it.

The one from Ankara was a bit longer. It read:

*

I'm glad to hear that Sanaa is with you. To be honest, we weren't too worried about her. That sounds terrible, but she usually goes off for a couple of days without telling us. We're still trying to figure out what hit her on the head when she was younger. Whatever it was, it did brain damage.

But seriously, if you get sick of her, pack her up in a bag and send her to Moria. I heard the balrog needs a friend.

Okay...so that wasn't serious. Well....maybe partially serious. I hope she doesn't get on your nerves too much. If she's being good, tell her we aren't touching her stuff. If not, tell her we threw this big party in her room and couldn't tell the trash from her stuff so we just threw it all out. Hope you find Haldir soon! -Ankara

*

Legolas smile and thought of what Sanaa would do if she heard that all of her stuff had been thrown out. He typed back:

*

Sanaa is actually being pretty good. I had no idea she could cook and hunt! She even found some wooden plates, and has a knife she says she carries around with her.

I was kind of freaked out at first, honestly. Then I remembered that I have my bow, and I'm immortal, if she attacks. So that's settled.

I think I've finally found Haldir. I should be talking to him later today.

In fact, I'm going to do that now. Talk to you soon.

-Legolas

*

He sent the email and stood up. 5 minutes has passed. It was late enough now. He could finally talk to Haldir.

  
  



End file.
